Apparently Indianapolis is starting school two hours later on Monday in anticipation of school related employees (everyone from bus drivers to super intendants) being hung over and needing time in the morning to recover. Furthermore there are whispers of moving the Super Bowl to Saturdays so that this will not be a problem in the future.
Wow.
It seems people everywhere are living up to the defiant cries made to their parents about how they're going to be different when they grow up. Instead of sucking it up and being responsible the plan is to get ridiculously shit faced even though you have to work in the morning and just make it so you can go into work later.
A few months ago Dethklok was playing here in Milwaukee on a Sunday night. The next Monday I knew well in advance that I was going to have to be in early for meetings that would be helping to lead. So I skipped Dethklok because I'm responsible like that.
So suck it up world. A little responsibility won't be the end, tomorrow will always come.
Friday, February 5, 2010
Monday, January 18, 2010
9
When I first saw the trailer for 9 I was excited. Having read Hellboy for years I am familiar with the idea of the rebirth of mankind so I immediately pieced together that as a major plot point of the movie. However everything else I was able to piece together on my own just from the trailer is about all we were given.
Visually 9 is a treat. The character designs and animation are absolutely wonderful, both the doll creatures as well as the mechanical monsters. The drab, muted colors of the post apocalyptic world somehow manage to pop and create a wonderful landscape for the story to take place in.
And that story is where the problems lie. A main flaw is that it is almost entirely action with very few slow downs which makes it feel like the chapter of one story instead of one story broken into three chapters, though the ending is clearly the ending (though of course there’s a possibility of a sequel).
Another flaw is that when things do slow down, no one seems to ask the very obvious question: Where did these creatures (the dolls) come from? It is revealed that they all remember everything about their lives from the moment they awoke, but that’s it. They know plenty of the world and how it came to be the way it is, but none of them even seem remotely curious about where they came from, why they were created, and in the end they find out by sheer coincidence. And coincidentally this fact is a primary key to their survival and future. Plus it wasn’t even difficult for them to learn as they more or less stumble across it while looking for something else.
It’s not a bad story, but it’s not gripping either. However I have no doubt that especially with the addition of Tim Burton as a producer, teenagers will love this movie until they get old enough to realize that it is a very flat story with cool visuals and nothing else. Heck even I’ll admit that I would’ve loved this as a teenager. The problem is that in the grand scheme of things, depending on the simple mindedness of teenagers to like a movie is no excuse to tell a poorly executed story with a lot of potential.
Visually 9 is a treat. The character designs and animation are absolutely wonderful, both the doll creatures as well as the mechanical monsters. The drab, muted colors of the post apocalyptic world somehow manage to pop and create a wonderful landscape for the story to take place in.
And that story is where the problems lie. A main flaw is that it is almost entirely action with very few slow downs which makes it feel like the chapter of one story instead of one story broken into three chapters, though the ending is clearly the ending (though of course there’s a possibility of a sequel).
Another flaw is that when things do slow down, no one seems to ask the very obvious question: Where did these creatures (the dolls) come from? It is revealed that they all remember everything about their lives from the moment they awoke, but that’s it. They know plenty of the world and how it came to be the way it is, but none of them even seem remotely curious about where they came from, why they were created, and in the end they find out by sheer coincidence. And coincidentally this fact is a primary key to their survival and future. Plus it wasn’t even difficult for them to learn as they more or less stumble across it while looking for something else.
It’s not a bad story, but it’s not gripping either. However I have no doubt that especially with the addition of Tim Burton as a producer, teenagers will love this movie until they get old enough to realize that it is a very flat story with cool visuals and nothing else. Heck even I’ll admit that I would’ve loved this as a teenager. The problem is that in the grand scheme of things, depending on the simple mindedness of teenagers to like a movie is no excuse to tell a poorly executed story with a lot of potential.
Friday, September 11, 2009
Where Were You?
So my first post in months is a little cliche. Oh well, we'll all get by.
Eight years ago, where were you?
I was sitting in psychology 201 waiting for my professor to show up when a girl came into class saying something about a plane flying into a building in New York being on the news. Completely understating the situation, leaving the impression that perhaps a biplane hit a random sky scraper. And it didn't help that she just came in and sat down.
Ten minutes of sitting there a few of us ventured out to see if we could find out anything about our professor, when walking past the cafeteria was saw a large group of students gathered around the televisions and upon further inspection I discovered what was actually going on. And in case you're curious, my professor has a brother who worked at the Pentagon so she was out because she couldn't get a hold of him to find out whether or not he was alive, which he was, so happy ending there.
So there, just wanted to get that out there. No ironic self evaluation (ironic because I was in a psychology class, and yes I'm using the word ironic properly), just wanted to say where I was.
Eight years ago, where were you?
I was sitting in psychology 201 waiting for my professor to show up when a girl came into class saying something about a plane flying into a building in New York being on the news. Completely understating the situation, leaving the impression that perhaps a biplane hit a random sky scraper. And it didn't help that she just came in and sat down.
Ten minutes of sitting there a few of us ventured out to see if we could find out anything about our professor, when walking past the cafeteria was saw a large group of students gathered around the televisions and upon further inspection I discovered what was actually going on. And in case you're curious, my professor has a brother who worked at the Pentagon so she was out because she couldn't get a hold of him to find out whether or not he was alive, which he was, so happy ending there.
So there, just wanted to get that out there. No ironic self evaluation (ironic because I was in a psychology class, and yes I'm using the word ironic properly), just wanted to say where I was.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Guilty Pleasures
In case you haven’t noticed I’m a huge fan of movies. Love’em. And I’m not one of those elitists who thinks I’m special for knowing about a good movie that no one else does. In fact when I know about a relatively unknown movie that I think someone will love, I pimp the hell out of it. Well it recently occurred to me that a few of my favorite under appreciated comedies have been getting a lot of air play on cable channels recently, so for no particular reason I figured I’d do some brief promotions for them. NOTE: These are turn off your brain, guilty pleasure comedies so don’t read on with high expectations.
Out Cold
Main man Rick falls in love with a French girl, she vanishes, his heart’s broken, years later she shows up in his bar where she tells him that she left because she was already involved with someone all those years ago. No I am not just describing Casablanca, this is indeed the main plot for Out Cold, a snowboarding movie filled with references to my all time favorite film, Casablanca. Except instead of Nazis the bad guy is the Six Million Dollar Man, Lee Majors. It’s just a fun movie about a group of friends who found a life that makes them happy and then suddenly that life gets interrupted. If you haven’t seen Casablanca, watch that first then enjoy just how clever Out Cold despite being formulaic.
Great Line - Rick: Pig Pen, when I want advice about a good Planet of the Apes film or maybe how to get the resin out of my bong I'll come to you, ok? But I am not gonna take romantic advice from somebody who cannot spell “romantic” or “advice”... or “bong”.
Grandma’s Boy
I was sitting around with about two hours to kill before work one day, and I had two movies to choose from: Munich with a running time of approx. 160 minutes, and Grandma’s Boy with a running time of approx. 80 minutes. Grandma’s Boy wins.
Whoever promoted this movie should be banned from ever working in the movie business on any level ever again. No I take that back, this person should be forced to be Andy Dick’s personal assistant for the rest of his/her life. All of the commercials just make it look like it’s about a guy who lives with his grandmother and throws a big party. In reality it’s about video game programmers (though the main character does live with his grandmother due to being evicted from his apartment because his roommate likes the whores) having fun. This is shut off your brain comedy at its best and it’s about freakin’ video game programmers. While not a huge market demographic it’s certainly untapped. Again, Andy Dick’s personal assistant.
Great Line - Dante: I’m way too baked to drive to the devil’s house.
Undercover Brother
I believe the main thing that held this back from being bigger than it should be is that at first glance people probably think, “Oh, another movie by black people making fun of white people.” That couldn’t be further from the truth. In fact I would say they make fun of black stereotypes but it’s done in a way that says, “we have to stop taking ourselves so seriously.” Sort of like friends just riffing on each other. Highlights include: Dave Chapelle as Conspiracy Brother, a stoner who comes up with outrageous conspiracy theories, Neil Patrick Harris as the only white guy working for The Brotherhood due to Affirmative Action, Billy Dee Williams somehow not laughing as Chris Kattan dances like an idiot in front of him, and of course my favorite, a very, very Funk heavy sound track. And every time I watch the seen where Denise Richards is introduced as Black Man’s Kryptonite, I laugh harder because when watching this with some friends, one of them who is black said, “Hey,” then stopped himself, hung his head and finished with, “ok, yeah, they’re right.”
Great Line - Conspiracy Brother: Jesus Christ; black man. Babe Ruth; black man. Madonna;... slept with black men.
Josie and the Pussycats
I’ll give you a moment to recover from the confusion over my recomending Josie and the Pussycats. All better? Good.
Easily the most under rated comedy on my list, JatP while another very formulaic movie, is also quite clever. Poking fun at the pop music industry while at the same time not being preachy, not taking itself seriously, and having a ridiculous amount of fun. Even Tara Reid is tolerable, possibly because she plays an idiot but I try not to read into that too much. And on top of that it has a pretty solid soundtrack, and I’m not a fan of pop rock, of course that may be helped because of vocals provided by Kay Hanley from Letters to Cleo, and she has a great voice. Seriously though, some of the lyric structures are ridiculously good. And if nothing else the DVD should be rented by all to watch the Du Jour video. Du Jour being a boy band composed of Seth Green, Donald Faison, Breckin Meyer, and Alex Martin (don't worry, I don’t know who he is either).
Great Line - Josie McCoy: Puppies grow into dogs that get old and DIE!
Grizzly Man
You read that right. This is the most unintentionally funny movie I’ve ever seen. A documentary about a completely delusional ex-actor (read: failed actor) who moved up to Alaska to protect its bear population. And the area he’s protecting? Well it’s already a nature preserve for the bears. And what does he know about bears? They’re big and furry. Seriously, I know more about bears than this guy. I can not put into words how crazy the man (Timothy Treadwell) is, you really must see it for yourself. Now it is possible that Werner Herzog (the director who completed the project) actually put this documentary together to show just how far a man can fall psychologically but just billed it as a documentary the highlight Timothy’s life. If so, kudos to him for pulling it off.
Great Line - Sam Egli: That bear, I think, that day, decided that he had either had enough of Tim Treadwell or that something clicked in that bear's head that he thought 'Hey, you know, he might be good to eat.'
Out Cold
Main man Rick falls in love with a French girl, she vanishes, his heart’s broken, years later she shows up in his bar where she tells him that she left because she was already involved with someone all those years ago. No I am not just describing Casablanca, this is indeed the main plot for Out Cold, a snowboarding movie filled with references to my all time favorite film, Casablanca. Except instead of Nazis the bad guy is the Six Million Dollar Man, Lee Majors. It’s just a fun movie about a group of friends who found a life that makes them happy and then suddenly that life gets interrupted. If you haven’t seen Casablanca, watch that first then enjoy just how clever Out Cold despite being formulaic.
Great Line - Rick: Pig Pen, when I want advice about a good Planet of the Apes film or maybe how to get the resin out of my bong I'll come to you, ok? But I am not gonna take romantic advice from somebody who cannot spell “romantic” or “advice”... or “bong”.
Grandma’s Boy
I was sitting around with about two hours to kill before work one day, and I had two movies to choose from: Munich with a running time of approx. 160 minutes, and Grandma’s Boy with a running time of approx. 80 minutes. Grandma’s Boy wins.
Whoever promoted this movie should be banned from ever working in the movie business on any level ever again. No I take that back, this person should be forced to be Andy Dick’s personal assistant for the rest of his/her life. All of the commercials just make it look like it’s about a guy who lives with his grandmother and throws a big party. In reality it’s about video game programmers (though the main character does live with his grandmother due to being evicted from his apartment because his roommate likes the whores) having fun. This is shut off your brain comedy at its best and it’s about freakin’ video game programmers. While not a huge market demographic it’s certainly untapped. Again, Andy Dick’s personal assistant.
Great Line - Dante: I’m way too baked to drive to the devil’s house.
Undercover Brother
I believe the main thing that held this back from being bigger than it should be is that at first glance people probably think, “Oh, another movie by black people making fun of white people.” That couldn’t be further from the truth. In fact I would say they make fun of black stereotypes but it’s done in a way that says, “we have to stop taking ourselves so seriously.” Sort of like friends just riffing on each other. Highlights include: Dave Chapelle as Conspiracy Brother, a stoner who comes up with outrageous conspiracy theories, Neil Patrick Harris as the only white guy working for The Brotherhood due to Affirmative Action, Billy Dee Williams somehow not laughing as Chris Kattan dances like an idiot in front of him, and of course my favorite, a very, very Funk heavy sound track. And every time I watch the seen where Denise Richards is introduced as Black Man’s Kryptonite, I laugh harder because when watching this with some friends, one of them who is black said, “Hey,” then stopped himself, hung his head and finished with, “ok, yeah, they’re right.”
Great Line - Conspiracy Brother: Jesus Christ; black man. Babe Ruth; black man. Madonna;... slept with black men.
Josie and the Pussycats
I’ll give you a moment to recover from the confusion over my recomending Josie and the Pussycats. All better? Good.
Easily the most under rated comedy on my list, JatP while another very formulaic movie, is also quite clever. Poking fun at the pop music industry while at the same time not being preachy, not taking itself seriously, and having a ridiculous amount of fun. Even Tara Reid is tolerable, possibly because she plays an idiot but I try not to read into that too much. And on top of that it has a pretty solid soundtrack, and I’m not a fan of pop rock, of course that may be helped because of vocals provided by Kay Hanley from Letters to Cleo, and she has a great voice. Seriously though, some of the lyric structures are ridiculously good. And if nothing else the DVD should be rented by all to watch the Du Jour video. Du Jour being a boy band composed of Seth Green, Donald Faison, Breckin Meyer, and Alex Martin (don't worry, I don’t know who he is either).
Great Line - Josie McCoy: Puppies grow into dogs that get old and DIE!
Grizzly Man
You read that right. This is the most unintentionally funny movie I’ve ever seen. A documentary about a completely delusional ex-actor (read: failed actor) who moved up to Alaska to protect its bear population. And the area he’s protecting? Well it’s already a nature preserve for the bears. And what does he know about bears? They’re big and furry. Seriously, I know more about bears than this guy. I can not put into words how crazy the man (Timothy Treadwell) is, you really must see it for yourself. Now it is possible that Werner Herzog (the director who completed the project) actually put this documentary together to show just how far a man can fall psychologically but just billed it as a documentary the highlight Timothy’s life. If so, kudos to him for pulling it off.
Great Line - Sam Egli: That bear, I think, that day, decided that he had either had enough of Tim Treadwell or that something clicked in that bear's head that he thought 'Hey, you know, he might be good to eat.'
Monday, November 24, 2008
Just an observation
At the grocery store that I frequent on the way to work for food stuffs, I noticed that the condoms are placed beside Thank You cards and baby diapers/food/etc. Just found it funny.
Monday, November 3, 2008
Book Review: Tigerheart by Peter David
If you read comics through the 90’s you undoubtedly read something written by Peter David. For me I had been reading him for years before I realized it, going back to find that my favorite titles and stories were penned by him. He has the ability to make even the most far fetched worlds and characters relatable like no other. On top of that he is the Bart Star of the comic world in that no matter how good of a person you think you are, every time you hear a story about him, you feel like a jerk.
So one night as I was killing time in a book store (as the wife was shopping for clothes and mercifully left me off of my leash) I saw his name on the dust jacket above a beautiful illustration of a pirate ship sailing in the night. I grabbed it without hesitation, since to this day I have never been disappointed in anything Mr. David has written.
Tigerheart is my favorite form of story telling; pure. It is filled with a charming innocence that is needed every now and then these days where most stories have a cynical or dark edge. That’s not to say those kind of stories can’t be enjoyable, that’d just be silly coming from a man who’s favorite author is Richard Matheson. But no, Tigerheart is fun, full of humor, adventure, and most of all, adventure.
The story follows the adventure of Paul Dear, a young boy who’s father raised him with tales of the Boy, or as we know him, Peter Pan. But what everyone doesn’t know is that Paul has met the Boy several times and because of the Boy, Paul knows how to talk to animals and fairies, and play all the best games of the Anyplace (Neverneverland). See Paul’s mother is incredibly sad so he heads off to the Anyplace to find what his mother needs to smile again (I’m being purposefully vague there to not spoil anything).
The book is full of slight changes to names, Captain Hack instead of Captain Hook, Gwenny instead of Wendy, Vagabonds instead of the Lost Boys, all of which is explained at the end of the book along with a notation that all proceeds from the book were being donated to Great Ormond Street Hospital in London, the same children’s hospital that was given the copyright for Peter Pan from J.M. Barrie. Note: Peter Pan is in many ways free of copyright laws so technically Mr. David had no legal obligation to do this. And just typing that made me feel like a jerk.
The only cautionary note I can place with this is that twice I had to stop reading because I started to choke up. And at the same time that is praise for the book’s ability to pull you in and make you feel for the characters. There were also several moments where I caught myself taking a gasp in shock only to realize how silly that must seem to any observing me. But the greatest praise I have for this book is that it may possibly now be my favorite book, replacing The Princess Bride which anyone who knows me has undoubtedly heard me go on at length over how amazing it is.
If you love pure story telling, read this. If you love being taken on an adventure, read this. If you love stories that make the child that still takes flight to the Anyplace as you sleep dance in excitement, then you should definitely read Peter David’s, Tigerheart.
So one night as I was killing time in a book store (as the wife was shopping for clothes and mercifully left me off of my leash) I saw his name on the dust jacket above a beautiful illustration of a pirate ship sailing in the night. I grabbed it without hesitation, since to this day I have never been disappointed in anything Mr. David has written.
Tigerheart is my favorite form of story telling; pure. It is filled with a charming innocence that is needed every now and then these days where most stories have a cynical or dark edge. That’s not to say those kind of stories can’t be enjoyable, that’d just be silly coming from a man who’s favorite author is Richard Matheson. But no, Tigerheart is fun, full of humor, adventure, and most of all, adventure.
The story follows the adventure of Paul Dear, a young boy who’s father raised him with tales of the Boy, or as we know him, Peter Pan. But what everyone doesn’t know is that Paul has met the Boy several times and because of the Boy, Paul knows how to talk to animals and fairies, and play all the best games of the Anyplace (Neverneverland). See Paul’s mother is incredibly sad so he heads off to the Anyplace to find what his mother needs to smile again (I’m being purposefully vague there to not spoil anything).
The book is full of slight changes to names, Captain Hack instead of Captain Hook, Gwenny instead of Wendy, Vagabonds instead of the Lost Boys, all of which is explained at the end of the book along with a notation that all proceeds from the book were being donated to Great Ormond Street Hospital in London, the same children’s hospital that was given the copyright for Peter Pan from J.M. Barrie. Note: Peter Pan is in many ways free of copyright laws so technically Mr. David had no legal obligation to do this. And just typing that made me feel like a jerk.
The only cautionary note I can place with this is that twice I had to stop reading because I started to choke up. And at the same time that is praise for the book’s ability to pull you in and make you feel for the characters. There were also several moments where I caught myself taking a gasp in shock only to realize how silly that must seem to any observing me. But the greatest praise I have for this book is that it may possibly now be my favorite book, replacing The Princess Bride which anyone who knows me has undoubtedly heard me go on at length over how amazing it is.
If you love pure story telling, read this. If you love being taken on an adventure, read this. If you love stories that make the child that still takes flight to the Anyplace as you sleep dance in excitement, then you should definitely read Peter David’s, Tigerheart.
Monday, September 22, 2008
Music Review: All That Remains - Overcome
One of the worst things that can happen to a band is to put out multiple albums that get progressively better (I can listen to their last album, The Fall of Ideals, non-stop) only to drop a fourth that take ten steps back.
What All That Remains has going for them is that where this album falls short isn’t the lyrics or the music, but the production (note: they had a new producer for this album). I am a huge fan of metal with actual vocals mixed with great screaming like In Flames, Killswitch Engage, and Nothingface (who also suffered on their fourth release), but the clean vocals on the entire album are just too clean. While it’s clearly still Phil screaming, the clean portions sound generic and more suitable for modern pop-rock radio music, and while voice layering is nothing new here it’s over used and very distracting. Additionally there are many, many places where it’s obvious that instead of just letting Phil sing the entire song, he instead often recorded individual lines that were then laced together (as opposed to past albums where you can often hear him taking a breath which adds to the vocal passion).
But while the vocals are the most distracting disappointment the music suffers as well. From the beginning, even before I heard the first scream from Before the Damned I couldn’t help but notice that the drums sounded like they were synthesized, and once everything kicked in fully it felt like it was all synthesized. To make things worse the levels of all the instruments feel like they’re all being pushed to the limits all the time instead of balancing them out so it actually sounds like a band instead of a computer.
You can still tell that their music and song writing abilities are still there making this album all the more tragic. I’m sure that all of these songs will actually sound better live, but as of now the album sounds more like a band trying to sound like All That Remains. And if this indeed were a new band and this their first album I would have written them off before the end of the second track.
Added Note: I posted this review over on Amazon just for the hell of it. It's funny how almost all of the reviews are from people who claim to be metal fans but then go on to admit that the vocals are radio friendly and that's what they like about it. Well guess what people, you're not metal fans, you're hard rock fans.
What All That Remains has going for them is that where this album falls short isn’t the lyrics or the music, but the production (note: they had a new producer for this album). I am a huge fan of metal with actual vocals mixed with great screaming like In Flames, Killswitch Engage, and Nothingface (who also suffered on their fourth release), but the clean vocals on the entire album are just too clean. While it’s clearly still Phil screaming, the clean portions sound generic and more suitable for modern pop-rock radio music, and while voice layering is nothing new here it’s over used and very distracting. Additionally there are many, many places where it’s obvious that instead of just letting Phil sing the entire song, he instead often recorded individual lines that were then laced together (as opposed to past albums where you can often hear him taking a breath which adds to the vocal passion).
But while the vocals are the most distracting disappointment the music suffers as well. From the beginning, even before I heard the first scream from Before the Damned I couldn’t help but notice that the drums sounded like they were synthesized, and once everything kicked in fully it felt like it was all synthesized. To make things worse the levels of all the instruments feel like they’re all being pushed to the limits all the time instead of balancing them out so it actually sounds like a band instead of a computer.
You can still tell that their music and song writing abilities are still there making this album all the more tragic. I’m sure that all of these songs will actually sound better live, but as of now the album sounds more like a band trying to sound like All That Remains. And if this indeed were a new band and this their first album I would have written them off before the end of the second track.
Added Note: I posted this review over on Amazon just for the hell of it. It's funny how almost all of the reviews are from people who claim to be metal fans but then go on to admit that the vocals are radio friendly and that's what they like about it. Well guess what people, you're not metal fans, you're hard rock fans.
Monday, September 8, 2008
Not All Commercials Suck, But These Do
People hate commercials. That’s nothing new, but I would like to call attention to some recent ones that I find particularly infuriating. See I actually don’t mind good commercials, those being ones that are very entertaining (most Captain Morgan ones) and/or informative. But just like with movies and television shows, if they’re poorly written and/or make no sense, the people responsible should be canned. NOTE: Most if not all of these can be found on YouTube.
Trojan Condoms
The scene is inside of a restaurant/bar and all men are being portrayed as pigs. That part I can deal with because most guys who go to bars to pick up a chick are pigs, but one of the pigs is hitting on a girl who’s clearly not interested, he gets up, goes to the bathroom and gets a condom, comes back and suddenly she sees him as an attractive man even though he looks like a gay Enrique Inglesias with an Emo hair cut. So we’re supposed to believe that 1) She somehow magically knows that he bought a condom. Given her expression as he left one can assume that he did not tell her that’s what he was leaving to do, and 2) Buying a condom somehow makes him less of a douche bag suddenly.
Levi Jeans
This one’s very new. Two kids staring into each other’s eyes nervously, the girl asking the guy if it’s his first time as they slowly undress only for it to be revealed that they’re jumping off a high pier into water. Now to me it’s obvious from the get go that we’re being given a red herring because for starters it’s a commercial and the kids are out doors. But while both kids could be 18 and just looking young, they both look like their 15 at most and the way the commercial is filmed is like porn for a pedophile. It’s so uncomfortable to watch that I have to change the channel whenever it’s on.
Twix
Whoever writes these commercials hates women or at the very least thinks they’re all morons. I’m all for sexist jokes, aimed at men or women, but only when they’re so over the top that it’s obviously a joke. These are just painful. The newest is a guy talking to a woman at a party. The woman is going off on some pretentious rant and at a pause the guy asks her back to his place (showing that he also is an idiot), she gets offended and he crams a Twix down his maw to give him time to think of something to get him out of trouble. He then creates some equally pretentious, and obviously made up story about wanting to be alone to continue their retarded conversation back at his place, she smiles, feeling like an idiot for jumping to what was actually an accurate conclusion and leaves with him. So to recap, in the Twix universe, all women are gullible and stupid.
Scion
Hundreds of various cars and SUV’s drive across the country for obviously days, coming to a perfectly carved out auditorium style crater and park with all their lights on as a guy in a hooded sweat shirt steps up to a microphone and gives an embarrassingly unimpressive 15 second speech (yes I timed it) about how, “It’s what makes us different that brings us together.” I already don’t like Scions. Their first two models were boxes with wheels and I’m baffled how they made any money to survive longer as a company. But this commercial, clearly designed to be inspiring, is just painfully lame from the actual words used to the weak voice of the guy giving the speech. I picture the writer sitting in a room with his friends and family, showing them a DVD with his first commercial ever, and from there on it plays out like that scene from the Poochie episode of the Simpsons.
Paintball Dave’s
Ok, this is a local radio commercial that drives me crazy. It opens with a guy talking about being the best man at eight weddings in six years, but it’s not because all those guys are his best friends, it’s because he plans “the most amazing bachelor parties,” involving going to Paintball Dave’s. I can not put into words how enraged I am by the shear stupidity of the idea of someone being picked to be a best man at a wedding based solely on their ability to plan a great bachelor party.
Trojan Condoms
The scene is inside of a restaurant/bar and all men are being portrayed as pigs. That part I can deal with because most guys who go to bars to pick up a chick are pigs, but one of the pigs is hitting on a girl who’s clearly not interested, he gets up, goes to the bathroom and gets a condom, comes back and suddenly she sees him as an attractive man even though he looks like a gay Enrique Inglesias with an Emo hair cut. So we’re supposed to believe that 1) She somehow magically knows that he bought a condom. Given her expression as he left one can assume that he did not tell her that’s what he was leaving to do, and 2) Buying a condom somehow makes him less of a douche bag suddenly.
Levi Jeans
This one’s very new. Two kids staring into each other’s eyes nervously, the girl asking the guy if it’s his first time as they slowly undress only for it to be revealed that they’re jumping off a high pier into water. Now to me it’s obvious from the get go that we’re being given a red herring because for starters it’s a commercial and the kids are out doors. But while both kids could be 18 and just looking young, they both look like their 15 at most and the way the commercial is filmed is like porn for a pedophile. It’s so uncomfortable to watch that I have to change the channel whenever it’s on.
Twix
Whoever writes these commercials hates women or at the very least thinks they’re all morons. I’m all for sexist jokes, aimed at men or women, but only when they’re so over the top that it’s obviously a joke. These are just painful. The newest is a guy talking to a woman at a party. The woman is going off on some pretentious rant and at a pause the guy asks her back to his place (showing that he also is an idiot), she gets offended and he crams a Twix down his maw to give him time to think of something to get him out of trouble. He then creates some equally pretentious, and obviously made up story about wanting to be alone to continue their retarded conversation back at his place, she smiles, feeling like an idiot for jumping to what was actually an accurate conclusion and leaves with him. So to recap, in the Twix universe, all women are gullible and stupid.
Scion
Hundreds of various cars and SUV’s drive across the country for obviously days, coming to a perfectly carved out auditorium style crater and park with all their lights on as a guy in a hooded sweat shirt steps up to a microphone and gives an embarrassingly unimpressive 15 second speech (yes I timed it) about how, “It’s what makes us different that brings us together.” I already don’t like Scions. Their first two models were boxes with wheels and I’m baffled how they made any money to survive longer as a company. But this commercial, clearly designed to be inspiring, is just painfully lame from the actual words used to the weak voice of the guy giving the speech. I picture the writer sitting in a room with his friends and family, showing them a DVD with his first commercial ever, and from there on it plays out like that scene from the Poochie episode of the Simpsons.
Paintball Dave’s
Ok, this is a local radio commercial that drives me crazy. It opens with a guy talking about being the best man at eight weddings in six years, but it’s not because all those guys are his best friends, it’s because he plans “the most amazing bachelor parties,” involving going to Paintball Dave’s. I can not put into words how enraged I am by the shear stupidity of the idea of someone being picked to be a best man at a wedding based solely on their ability to plan a great bachelor party.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
The Incredible Hulk (2008)
Hot off the heals of the mega-successful and first cohesive Marvel Movie-verse film Iron Man, came The Incredible Hulk. Unlike Iron Man however, the early production news of Hulk was painful and depressing. First was the decision to pretend the first movie never happened, which while understandable it did not give a sense of comfort. Secondly was announcing the Zak Penn, the hack who wrote X-Men 3, would be writing it. And then lastly was announcing that Louis Leterrier, director of The Transporter 2 which featured some astoundingly ridiculous action scenes, would helm it. But then a funny thing happened, Ed Norton was cast as Bruce Banner and all of my fears vanished. A little known fact is that Ed Norton has a clause in his contracts that allows him to re-write scripts as he sees fit and while that may sound like a d*ck move all writers who’ve worked with him have said that typically he works very respectfully with the writers and actually brings added reality to the characters. And according to many interviews and other blurbs, Norton and Leterrier rewrote the pretty much entire script.
(SIDE NOTE: Why do I think Zak Penn is a hack, aside from the entirety of X-Men 3 that is? In an interview about the movie he stated that the character of Emil Blonsky would not be called Abomination because it’s a silly name. Yeah, because casual movie goers are going to be turned off by a silly name like Abomination. Because Magneto, Professor X, Doctor Octopus, The Thing, Doctor Doom, Silver Surfer, Punisher, Spider-Man, Sandman, Mr. Fantastic, and even Batman, Superman are in no way silly. Actually Abomination is less silly then every single one of those. Again, Zak Penn is a hack.)
But did it work?
Hell yes!
I still enjoy the original, the way they addressed the inner demons idea to the Hulk and what not, but this movie was THE perfect Hulk movie. A fantastic move in that the origin is told via images and small clips played during the opening credits therefore allowing the story to pick up with Banner already on the run. Plenty of action, incredibly well laid out characters, a couple great cameos, many references to the original TV series, and some actions that are now considered classic Hulk staples such as the Hulk Clap (not an STD). Everything about it felt pure and true to the comic while at the same time telling a pretty original story.
All the actors brought their A game which to me helped to further eliminate the pretentious idea of, “it’s just a comic book movie.” Tim “Mr. Orange” Roth is absolutely polarizing as Emil Blonsky every time he’s on screen, even in scenes where he’s just sitting and waiting for something to happen you can just feel this urgency inside of his character. William Hurt does a phenomenal job of making General Ross a complete @$$hole who honestly believes that what he’s doing is the right thing, something completely lacking from the very likable portrayal by Sam Elliot in the first one. Liv Tyler, though not on the same level as Roth or Hurt, did bring an added human feel to the character of Betty Ross that I just can’t put my finger on how to describe, it just felt natural and real. On that same note Ed Norton was of course awesome taking over the roll of Bruce Banner.
There are plenty of geek out moments such as the introduction of Dr. Leonard Sampson (though this can be missed) and Samuel Sterns (if you don’t know who that is and you haven’t seen the movie, I won’t spoil it for you). Also they reference a few Marvel-verse things such as certain World War II points of interest as well as another S.H.I.E.L.D. reference (which is impossible to miss), and of course a line that were horribly lacking from the first movie. I’ll leave you to guess what it was.
Marvel Movie Score: 9.5
Why This?: It is impossible to make a fun Hulk movie. Well it is possible but that’s not what the Hulk is about. Since it’s about inner demons and what not it’s going to have to be a little dark and therefore not as fun as Iron Man, and therefore it’s the only reason I can’t give it a 10. But obviously I believe it to be a great movie and I’m sad to hear that there may not be a sequel because they really set one up, though depending on how they do the Avengers movie that could easily work as the sequel. Additionally Ed Norton had a little bit of a disagreement with Marvel Studios as he wanted the final cut of the movie to be a little more story driven and a little less action. Hopefully he now understands that they were really gun shy about doing this after the fallout of the first movie.
(SIDE NOTE: Why do I think Zak Penn is a hack, aside from the entirety of X-Men 3 that is? In an interview about the movie he stated that the character of Emil Blonsky would not be called Abomination because it’s a silly name. Yeah, because casual movie goers are going to be turned off by a silly name like Abomination. Because Magneto, Professor X, Doctor Octopus, The Thing, Doctor Doom, Silver Surfer, Punisher, Spider-Man, Sandman, Mr. Fantastic, and even Batman, Superman are in no way silly. Actually Abomination is less silly then every single one of those. Again, Zak Penn is a hack.)
But did it work?
Hell yes!
I still enjoy the original, the way they addressed the inner demons idea to the Hulk and what not, but this movie was THE perfect Hulk movie. A fantastic move in that the origin is told via images and small clips played during the opening credits therefore allowing the story to pick up with Banner already on the run. Plenty of action, incredibly well laid out characters, a couple great cameos, many references to the original TV series, and some actions that are now considered classic Hulk staples such as the Hulk Clap (not an STD). Everything about it felt pure and true to the comic while at the same time telling a pretty original story.
All the actors brought their A game which to me helped to further eliminate the pretentious idea of, “it’s just a comic book movie.” Tim “Mr. Orange” Roth is absolutely polarizing as Emil Blonsky every time he’s on screen, even in scenes where he’s just sitting and waiting for something to happen you can just feel this urgency inside of his character. William Hurt does a phenomenal job of making General Ross a complete @$$hole who honestly believes that what he’s doing is the right thing, something completely lacking from the very likable portrayal by Sam Elliot in the first one. Liv Tyler, though not on the same level as Roth or Hurt, did bring an added human feel to the character of Betty Ross that I just can’t put my finger on how to describe, it just felt natural and real. On that same note Ed Norton was of course awesome taking over the roll of Bruce Banner.
There are plenty of geek out moments such as the introduction of Dr. Leonard Sampson (though this can be missed) and Samuel Sterns (if you don’t know who that is and you haven’t seen the movie, I won’t spoil it for you). Also they reference a few Marvel-verse things such as certain World War II points of interest as well as another S.H.I.E.L.D. reference (which is impossible to miss), and of course a line that were horribly lacking from the first movie. I’ll leave you to guess what it was.
Marvel Movie Score: 9.5
Why This?: It is impossible to make a fun Hulk movie. Well it is possible but that’s not what the Hulk is about. Since it’s about inner demons and what not it’s going to have to be a little dark and therefore not as fun as Iron Man, and therefore it’s the only reason I can’t give it a 10. But obviously I believe it to be a great movie and I’m sad to hear that there may not be a sequel because they really set one up, though depending on how they do the Avengers movie that could easily work as the sequel. Additionally Ed Norton had a little bit of a disagreement with Marvel Studios as he wanted the final cut of the movie to be a little more story driven and a little less action. Hopefully he now understands that they were really gun shy about doing this after the fallout of the first movie.
Thursday, August 7, 2008
It's Finally Over!
So Favre is a NY Jet now, and I couldn’t be happier. Well I could be because he could be playing for a better team, but still.
Don’t get me wrong I am a Packer fan and originally Favre’s retirement was part of my New Old Stuff article, but now his legacy has been tarnished in my mind and it’s his own fault. He retired, changed his mind, and then played the victim when the Packer organization didn’t welcome him back with open arms after they gave him every chance in the world to consider and re-consider his decision before announcing it to the world. And the theory that he may have done this on purpose to get to another team just further tarnishes his legacy if it’s true.
As for why I’m glad he’s not coming back as a Packer, aside from being incredibly irritated at his drama-queen like personality of the past few years; Brett Favre is destined to have one of the worst seasons in his career not just because he has to learn and adapt to a whole new offensive game and a new team, but he will suffer the full brunt of the Madden Curse. If you don’t know what that is, it’s the theory, supported by a lot of convenient circumstances, that when a player appears on the cover of a John Madden football game they will then have either a bad season or suffer an injury that keeps them out for most of the season. Favre in Packer jersey is set to appear on the cover of Madden ’09.
I hope within a decent amount of time I’ll be able to again look back at how great Favre was, but as of now that’s difficult to imagine. But right now he does get some of my sympathies because Favre is showing a lot of classic signs of a form of serious depression, and I’m not the only one who’s noticed. Hopefully someone close to him takes note of all the people saying it and convinces him to get help.
Don’t get me wrong I am a Packer fan and originally Favre’s retirement was part of my New Old Stuff article, but now his legacy has been tarnished in my mind and it’s his own fault. He retired, changed his mind, and then played the victim when the Packer organization didn’t welcome him back with open arms after they gave him every chance in the world to consider and re-consider his decision before announcing it to the world. And the theory that he may have done this on purpose to get to another team just further tarnishes his legacy if it’s true.
As for why I’m glad he’s not coming back as a Packer, aside from being incredibly irritated at his drama-queen like personality of the past few years; Brett Favre is destined to have one of the worst seasons in his career not just because he has to learn and adapt to a whole new offensive game and a new team, but he will suffer the full brunt of the Madden Curse. If you don’t know what that is, it’s the theory, supported by a lot of convenient circumstances, that when a player appears on the cover of a John Madden football game they will then have either a bad season or suffer an injury that keeps them out for most of the season. Favre in Packer jersey is set to appear on the cover of Madden ’09.
I hope within a decent amount of time I’ll be able to again look back at how great Favre was, but as of now that’s difficult to imagine. But right now he does get some of my sympathies because Favre is showing a lot of classic signs of a form of serious depression, and I’m not the only one who’s noticed. Hopefully someone close to him takes note of all the people saying it and convinces him to get help.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
I Have Returned!!!
I know that all of my readers (that’s right, all three of you) have been wondering where I’ve been and why no updates in months. Well coincidentally shortly after my Iron Man review work became incredibly busy to the point where I was regularly working 50+ hours a week leaving me tired and stressed regularly and therefore uncomfortable trying to write anything remotely creative.
So now that my project is pretty much wrapped up and a regular 40 hour work week seems like it’s par for the course again and my stress vanished quicker than the theatrical release of Postal (yes it was released in theaters, look it up if you don’t believe me), I can get back to doing what I love, writing. Now a few things of note have occurred in the months of Marvel Movie reviews and my absence due to work, but I have kept notes of things I want to touch on, most of which is stuff I’m sure no one even remembers. So I present you with…
New Old Stuff
Sharper Image Self Destructs
Like many people, I really detest Sharper Image. They regularly took mediocre-to-cruddy merchandise like a $40 CD player, put their name on it and then charged $250 for it, and then rich assholes would buy it thinking it’s top of the line shit. Now if they were just doing this to sucker rich people, that would’ve been fine, then I’d just be upset that I wasn’t in on the scam, but clearly they thought of themselves as legitimate. Another great example to this fact is that a few years ago an independent study was done on home air filters. This study found a few inexpensive, “no name” brand models to be incredibly effective, and that the Sharper Image ones were absolutely terrible. Sharper Image then sued the study group. Fortunately nothing actually came of it since they had no grounds, but the papers actually were drawn up and delivered.
Patrick Swayze Diagnosed With Pancreatic Cancer
Now I’m not a Swayze fan per say. His being in movies I’ve watched has been coincidental, but I’ve always found him to be entertaining. On top of that he has always seemed like an easy going and fun guy. A fun note is that the story was broke by the National Inquirer who had one hell of a scoop on their hands but instead of just reporting it as is, they over embellished/lied about it, further insuring that they will never have any credibility as a legitimate news source. For any one reading this who doesn’t know, the National Inquirer reported that he was diagnosed and projected with only 2 weeks to live. Several people close to Mr. Swayze, including his doctor, his agent, and his mother, immediately came to the media to say that it’s no where near that bad and that at this point the cancer is minor, was caught early and is responding well to treatment. In any case, at some point in the near future I will be toasting the man’s life with a double feature viewing of Steel Dawn/Red Dawn. Wolverines, indeed.
Anotherdarkhole.com Officially Laid to Rest
The site is completely down, stripped away to an error page. I’m partially interested to see if someone else picks up the domain name years down the line. On the plus side I still have all the articles and what not saved on my hard drive for reflection. It’s only in retrospect now I realize that in paying for the domain service I was technically a self published writer for a time. Thanks to Caleb, the Rubicon, SNM, Pimp, everyone who’s ever visited even by accident, and everyone who in any way influenced anything we did. My only regret was that we never got to do a Random Celebrity Random Showdown featuring the Wall from American Gladiators, which was included in our list of events for the sole purpose of making a joke about the original Siren, who was deaf.
Rick Flair Retires
When it comes to wrestling, he truly is The Man! Yes greats have come before and will yet keep coming, but no one, absolutely no one will match the legacy that is Rick Flair. And on a personal note, my introduction to him was through absolutely amazing feuds with one of my personal childhood favorites, Ricky “The Dragon” Steamboat. Wrestlers today can only hope that their best matches can be as good as Flair and Steamboat’s worst ones. Thank you, Space Mountain for giving 100% every time you stepped in that ring. Wooooooooooo!!!
So now that my project is pretty much wrapped up and a regular 40 hour work week seems like it’s par for the course again and my stress vanished quicker than the theatrical release of Postal (yes it was released in theaters, look it up if you don’t believe me), I can get back to doing what I love, writing. Now a few things of note have occurred in the months of Marvel Movie reviews and my absence due to work, but I have kept notes of things I want to touch on, most of which is stuff I’m sure no one even remembers. So I present you with…
New Old Stuff
Sharper Image Self Destructs
Like many people, I really detest Sharper Image. They regularly took mediocre-to-cruddy merchandise like a $40 CD player, put their name on it and then charged $250 for it, and then rich assholes would buy it thinking it’s top of the line shit. Now if they were just doing this to sucker rich people, that would’ve been fine, then I’d just be upset that I wasn’t in on the scam, but clearly they thought of themselves as legitimate. Another great example to this fact is that a few years ago an independent study was done on home air filters. This study found a few inexpensive, “no name” brand models to be incredibly effective, and that the Sharper Image ones were absolutely terrible. Sharper Image then sued the study group. Fortunately nothing actually came of it since they had no grounds, but the papers actually were drawn up and delivered.
Patrick Swayze Diagnosed With Pancreatic Cancer
Now I’m not a Swayze fan per say. His being in movies I’ve watched has been coincidental, but I’ve always found him to be entertaining. On top of that he has always seemed like an easy going and fun guy. A fun note is that the story was broke by the National Inquirer who had one hell of a scoop on their hands but instead of just reporting it as is, they over embellished/lied about it, further insuring that they will never have any credibility as a legitimate news source. For any one reading this who doesn’t know, the National Inquirer reported that he was diagnosed and projected with only 2 weeks to live. Several people close to Mr. Swayze, including his doctor, his agent, and his mother, immediately came to the media to say that it’s no where near that bad and that at this point the cancer is minor, was caught early and is responding well to treatment. In any case, at some point in the near future I will be toasting the man’s life with a double feature viewing of Steel Dawn/Red Dawn. Wolverines, indeed.
Anotherdarkhole.com Officially Laid to Rest
The site is completely down, stripped away to an error page. I’m partially interested to see if someone else picks up the domain name years down the line. On the plus side I still have all the articles and what not saved on my hard drive for reflection. It’s only in retrospect now I realize that in paying for the domain service I was technically a self published writer for a time. Thanks to Caleb, the Rubicon, SNM, Pimp, everyone who’s ever visited even by accident, and everyone who in any way influenced anything we did. My only regret was that we never got to do a Random Celebrity Random Showdown featuring the Wall from American Gladiators, which was included in our list of events for the sole purpose of making a joke about the original Siren, who was deaf.
Rick Flair Retires
When it comes to wrestling, he truly is The Man! Yes greats have come before and will yet keep coming, but no one, absolutely no one will match the legacy that is Rick Flair. And on a personal note, my introduction to him was through absolutely amazing feuds with one of my personal childhood favorites, Ricky “The Dragon” Steamboat. Wrestlers today can only hope that their best matches can be as good as Flair and Steamboat’s worst ones. Thank you, Space Mountain for giving 100% every time you stepped in that ring. Wooooooooooo!!!
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Iron Man (2008)
NOTE: Since this is a review for a movie still in theaters I’ve adjusted my usual style of addressing very specific parts of the story to a general review staying a vague as possible so as to not spoil anything major.
So Marvel finally realizes they can and should control their own movie properties and this is their first outing. Not a good start, which is tragic because I really enjoy John Favreau’s work and Robert Downey Jr. has become a frighteningly entertaining actor since sobering up. And then we get this turd pile.
Nah, I’m just messing with you, this movie was so awesome I can’t think of a proper metaphor to express it, and I’m a master of ridiculous metaphors.
I’ve already seen it twice, the first time was planned and then the next day a group of friends was going and invited me along so I went with them planning to try and find something wrong with the movie. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. The only flaws in this movie could only be pointed out by someone purposely being a complete d*ck. For example; a scene where Iron Man is flying and is knocked out of the air sending him crashing into the ground from at least 100 feet up. Of course his suit could survive but technically he’d be jelly inside. Who the F cares, right?
The entire cast is through and through, perfect. Robert Downey Jr. not only looks the part of Tony Stark but he perfectly translates a man who learns that his irresponsible behavior has caused a lot of pain in the world and now must use a second chance in life to fix it all the while retaining at least some of that reckless behavior. Terrence Howard absolutely rocks as James Rhodes, Tony’s best friend who will eventually don the armor himself. Funny thing there is that apparently they cut out a lot of his scenes which is mind boggling because of how perfectly he’s used. Jeff Bridges as Obadiah Stane, possibly the most changed character from the comic version, is absolutely brilliant as a cold hearted, self serving villain. And even Gwyneth Paltrow who I’ve always been indifferent about, is incredible as the very capable, loyal personal assistant, Pepper Potts.
The story is so mind blowingly perfect that I can’t believe they pulled it off. Of course this may have something to do with a lot of help (and uncredited due to him doing it for free) from Shane Black, writer of such movies as Monster Squad, Lethal Weapon, and Kiss, Kiss, Bang, Bang. The whole movie is technically beginning to end an origin story but it never feels like it’s taking too long to tell it. And along the way there are plenty of little Iron Man (and Marvel Universe in general) comic history bits, such as John Favreau playing the part of Harold “Happy” Hogan, Tony’s chauffer and bodyguard.
I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention that they sort of give into a Marvel Movie standard, but it’s done in a way that unlike Spider-Man 3, makes perfect sense, and that is showing our hero and villain with their masks off. It comes at the very end of the movie where Iron Man and Iron Monger are basically out of steam (Iron Man more so) and just pulling out all the stops to win the fight. Iron Man manages to disable Monger’s optics giving him reason to open up the armor so he can actually see. Just before this, Monger threw Iron Man off ripping off his helmet in the process. It works perfectly and in no way feels forced just adding to how awesome the movie is.
Marvel Movie Score: 10
Why That?: A new standard has been set. From here on every Marvel Movie will be judged by Iron Man’s complete perfection. It’s a perfect combination of Fantastic Four’s fun and Spider-Man’s seriousness. And I feel I should mention just how awesome Robert Downey Jr. truly is: Since a large portion of the story takes place in Afghanistan, a reporter asked Downey his opinion of the war in Iraq. Downey’s response was, “Shut the f up and let me enjoy my blockbuster.” Amen, brother. Now bring on the sequel!
So Marvel finally realizes they can and should control their own movie properties and this is their first outing. Not a good start, which is tragic because I really enjoy John Favreau’s work and Robert Downey Jr. has become a frighteningly entertaining actor since sobering up. And then we get this turd pile.
Nah, I’m just messing with you, this movie was so awesome I can’t think of a proper metaphor to express it, and I’m a master of ridiculous metaphors.
I’ve already seen it twice, the first time was planned and then the next day a group of friends was going and invited me along so I went with them planning to try and find something wrong with the movie. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. The only flaws in this movie could only be pointed out by someone purposely being a complete d*ck. For example; a scene where Iron Man is flying and is knocked out of the air sending him crashing into the ground from at least 100 feet up. Of course his suit could survive but technically he’d be jelly inside. Who the F cares, right?
The entire cast is through and through, perfect. Robert Downey Jr. not only looks the part of Tony Stark but he perfectly translates a man who learns that his irresponsible behavior has caused a lot of pain in the world and now must use a second chance in life to fix it all the while retaining at least some of that reckless behavior. Terrence Howard absolutely rocks as James Rhodes, Tony’s best friend who will eventually don the armor himself. Funny thing there is that apparently they cut out a lot of his scenes which is mind boggling because of how perfectly he’s used. Jeff Bridges as Obadiah Stane, possibly the most changed character from the comic version, is absolutely brilliant as a cold hearted, self serving villain. And even Gwyneth Paltrow who I’ve always been indifferent about, is incredible as the very capable, loyal personal assistant, Pepper Potts.
The story is so mind blowingly perfect that I can’t believe they pulled it off. Of course this may have something to do with a lot of help (and uncredited due to him doing it for free) from Shane Black, writer of such movies as Monster Squad, Lethal Weapon, and Kiss, Kiss, Bang, Bang. The whole movie is technically beginning to end an origin story but it never feels like it’s taking too long to tell it. And along the way there are plenty of little Iron Man (and Marvel Universe in general) comic history bits, such as John Favreau playing the part of Harold “Happy” Hogan, Tony’s chauffer and bodyguard.
I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention that they sort of give into a Marvel Movie standard, but it’s done in a way that unlike Spider-Man 3, makes perfect sense, and that is showing our hero and villain with their masks off. It comes at the very end of the movie where Iron Man and Iron Monger are basically out of steam (Iron Man more so) and just pulling out all the stops to win the fight. Iron Man manages to disable Monger’s optics giving him reason to open up the armor so he can actually see. Just before this, Monger threw Iron Man off ripping off his helmet in the process. It works perfectly and in no way feels forced just adding to how awesome the movie is.
Marvel Movie Score: 10
Why That?: A new standard has been set. From here on every Marvel Movie will be judged by Iron Man’s complete perfection. It’s a perfect combination of Fantastic Four’s fun and Spider-Man’s seriousness. And I feel I should mention just how awesome Robert Downey Jr. truly is: Since a large portion of the story takes place in Afghanistan, a reporter asked Downey his opinion of the war in Iraq. Downey’s response was, “Shut the f up and let me enjoy my blockbuster.” Amen, brother. Now bring on the sequel!
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
Fantastic Four 2 (2007)
And so in the wake of two, third installment movies, Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer steps up to show us what a fun movie is supposed to be. Seeing the potential for it the producers decided to make this movie PG and geared towards families, and it’s pulled off well as it never really feels watered down though there are a few moments in the film that I’m surprised didn’t push it to PG-13.
Though not watered down, it does feel a bit campier than the first, but again that just adds to the fun of it. The oddest of these however is a scene at a dance club where Johnny has dragged Reed for his bachelor party. Reed is sitting with a group of women and explaining the Big Bang theory. Since it’s a family movie I can let this slide, however I just find it odd that Reed happened upon this many women who clearly have no idea what the Big Bang theory is. I imagine this was done for the sole purpose of letting Reed do some showy things with his powers, but still it would’ve made more sense if he was explaining something complicated like what the theory of relativity actually is, or quantum physics. Either way this is nitpicking. It does lead to a small scene of two girls getting Reed to loosen up and dance with them, again showing off his powers. This scene just feels off to me as the expression on Reeds face becomes way too self confident and uncharacteristically smug. But again, nitpicking.
On the front of things that aren’t nitpicking is the sudden decision to use a muppet to play Sue Storm. Oh wait, my mistake, that’s still Jessica Alba, they just decided to make her hair incredibly blonde and to give her blue contact lenses that make her look like a Barbie doll. Seriously, it’s very distracting and never stops being so.
Doctor Doom also makes his return and it looks to be very promising as he shows up getting his mask sawed off of his face, the skin beneath properly scarred. This is quickly done away with as he confronts the Silver Surfer and is somehow healed. Though they do armor him up better later, it’s just sad that they felt they couldn’t leave him scarred and just have him walk around fully armored.
Lastly I must point out the product placement for Dodge is just painful as it’s suggested that the Fantasticar is powered by a Hemi, leaving us to assume that for some reason a super advanced personal flying craft (that splits into three separate crafts) is powered by a combustible engine.
Aside from that the movie is yet again just incredibly fun and though I may have gone into length about what I didn’t like about the movie, the fun factor makes up for every bit of it.
Now a lot of fans complained about the appearance of Galactus, shown to us as a large cloud in space. Yes this is incredibly ridiculous in theory but upon further thought it has since become apparent that this cloud was meant only to represent the process which Galactus uses to absorb a planet’s energy.
The Silver Surfer himself is awesome, as is Stan Lee’s cameo as himself. Even the final fight scene with Johnny and Doom is awesome even though a major factor of Johnny’s involvement doesn’t make sense. Just like the first one you’re enjoying yourself too much to care.
Marvel Movie Score: 8.5
Why That?: This movie is a perfect companion to the first and hopefully they make a third and not drop the ball like Blade, X-Men, and Spider-Man did. It seems really evident that everyone involved just wanted movie goers to have a good time, and for me they succeeded. Oh, and it isn’t over two hours of people crying and moping. If they officially make a Spider-Man 4, the writers and producers better watch this movie first.
Though not watered down, it does feel a bit campier than the first, but again that just adds to the fun of it. The oddest of these however is a scene at a dance club where Johnny has dragged Reed for his bachelor party. Reed is sitting with a group of women and explaining the Big Bang theory. Since it’s a family movie I can let this slide, however I just find it odd that Reed happened upon this many women who clearly have no idea what the Big Bang theory is. I imagine this was done for the sole purpose of letting Reed do some showy things with his powers, but still it would’ve made more sense if he was explaining something complicated like what the theory of relativity actually is, or quantum physics. Either way this is nitpicking. It does lead to a small scene of two girls getting Reed to loosen up and dance with them, again showing off his powers. This scene just feels off to me as the expression on Reeds face becomes way too self confident and uncharacteristically smug. But again, nitpicking.
On the front of things that aren’t nitpicking is the sudden decision to use a muppet to play Sue Storm. Oh wait, my mistake, that’s still Jessica Alba, they just decided to make her hair incredibly blonde and to give her blue contact lenses that make her look like a Barbie doll. Seriously, it’s very distracting and never stops being so.
Doctor Doom also makes his return and it looks to be very promising as he shows up getting his mask sawed off of his face, the skin beneath properly scarred. This is quickly done away with as he confronts the Silver Surfer and is somehow healed. Though they do armor him up better later, it’s just sad that they felt they couldn’t leave him scarred and just have him walk around fully armored.
Lastly I must point out the product placement for Dodge is just painful as it’s suggested that the Fantasticar is powered by a Hemi, leaving us to assume that for some reason a super advanced personal flying craft (that splits into three separate crafts) is powered by a combustible engine.
Aside from that the movie is yet again just incredibly fun and though I may have gone into length about what I didn’t like about the movie, the fun factor makes up for every bit of it.
Now a lot of fans complained about the appearance of Galactus, shown to us as a large cloud in space. Yes this is incredibly ridiculous in theory but upon further thought it has since become apparent that this cloud was meant only to represent the process which Galactus uses to absorb a planet’s energy.
The Silver Surfer himself is awesome, as is Stan Lee’s cameo as himself. Even the final fight scene with Johnny and Doom is awesome even though a major factor of Johnny’s involvement doesn’t make sense. Just like the first one you’re enjoying yourself too much to care.
Marvel Movie Score: 8.5
Why That?: This movie is a perfect companion to the first and hopefully they make a third and not drop the ball like Blade, X-Men, and Spider-Man did. It seems really evident that everyone involved just wanted movie goers to have a good time, and for me they succeeded. Oh, and it isn’t over two hours of people crying and moping. If they officially make a Spider-Man 4, the writers and producers better watch this movie first.
Friday, May 2, 2008
Spider-Man 3 (2007)
Some say the mark of a great story is when the audience feels the emotions of that story’s characters. To laugh when the characters laugh, become angry when the characters become angry, to cry when the characters cry. Well with Spider-Man 3 the audience sure did cry, but less than half as much as Peter Parker.
Spider-Man 3 is a sad moment in movie history for a few reasons, most notably being such a horrible follow up to two incredible action movies, and it marks a very low point for one of my favorite directors and personalities, Sam Raimi.
I could go on and on and on about all of the painful flaws of this movie, but since they are all incredibly obvious ones like wanting to yell, “Stop crying!” and “Keep that damn mask on!” at Parker, I will place some focus on the good things.
Two of the three villains were done superbly. Harry’s decent into madness has been built up perfectly and I loved the idea of him just bluntly attacking Peter physically totally out of nowhere (from Peter’s POV that is). The ensuing memory loss and return was done nicely as well, changing his tactic from physical to psychological attacks. Of course the only thing that absolutely sucked about his story was the scene with his butler. It didn’t have to go completely, but the whole reasoning given during it makes absolutely no sense.
Then there’s Eddie Brock/Venom. Though given little screen time as Venom, the necessity for more was done away with by establishing Eddie as being completely insane. The guy is obviously lost in his own warped reality, and that’s not sarcasm on my part. He had coffee with Gwen Stacy once and immediately acts as though they’re a serious couple. He consciously commits a massive act of fraud and doesn’t get why he should be fired for it. Back to Gwen Stacy for a moment, he sees her on a date with Parker (the only one they go on and that ends horribly) and he thinks Parker stole her from him. It was perfect.
Sadly those are the only high notes in the movie aside from J.K. Simmons stealing every scene he’s in for the third time running. Sure the Sandman looked cool, but did he really have to be such an overly sympathetic character? And did you know that his first appearance in the comics was showing up at Peter’s high school and demanding he be given a high school diploma? Yes I am being incredibly serious. Ah the innocence of the 60’s. Plus using him to drastically change Spider-Man’s origin was just lame. I get how what they did didn’t completely change things, but there was no reason for it other than to make Peter mad.
I honestly believe a lot of story elements would be forgivable if it wasn’t just all rehashing what’s already been told in the first two movies. This entire movie is another chapter to Spider-Man’s origin story so no matter how cool the action scenes are, the story went no where. It was just another tale of, “Why is Peter, Spider-Man?” and trying to balance his personal life with his responsibilities. And it was hammered into our heads, too, unlike the first two movies that just flowed. Peter even flat out says, “We always have a choice.” Additionally it ended the same way as the first two; Mary Jane gets kidnapped by the villain, Spider-Man has to save her and gets a severe beat down in the process. This all goes to disprove the old adage of, “Third time’s a charm.”
A saving grace for Sam and Ivan Raimi (who wrote the movie) is how much pressure they were under from producers to keep throwing in more and more characters and story lines from the comics, primarily Gwen Stacy and Eddie Brock. One producer went as far as to talk out of her ass about how the fans wanted to see Gwen. Yeah we did, in the first movie before the introduction of Mary Jane just like she was in the comics. I have absolutely no problem with them starting with Mary Jane, skipping over Gwen completely, but to claim that the fans want the story to go backwards? Plus, her character is completely wasted here versus what she meant in the comics (read Spider-Man: Blue by Jeph Loeb).
Obviously compared to the previous movies this one falls short. To give a colorful analogy it’s like the three movies were in a long jump contest together. 1 and 2 landed at the same distance, breaking a world record, but when 3’s turn came up, it forgot to jump, running straight into the sand, tripping, and falling onto its face.
Marvel Movie Score: 4.5
Why That?: The fight scenes are awesome, I love the looks of all the characters, yes even Harry’s “New Goblin” outfit. And clearly it had potential, who knows what would’ve happened if there was a different writing team and producers had backed off as they did for Spider-Man 2. In the end, it was barely decent.
Spider-Man 3 is a sad moment in movie history for a few reasons, most notably being such a horrible follow up to two incredible action movies, and it marks a very low point for one of my favorite directors and personalities, Sam Raimi.
I could go on and on and on about all of the painful flaws of this movie, but since they are all incredibly obvious ones like wanting to yell, “Stop crying!” and “Keep that damn mask on!” at Parker, I will place some focus on the good things.
Two of the three villains were done superbly. Harry’s decent into madness has been built up perfectly and I loved the idea of him just bluntly attacking Peter physically totally out of nowhere (from Peter’s POV that is). The ensuing memory loss and return was done nicely as well, changing his tactic from physical to psychological attacks. Of course the only thing that absolutely sucked about his story was the scene with his butler. It didn’t have to go completely, but the whole reasoning given during it makes absolutely no sense.
Then there’s Eddie Brock/Venom. Though given little screen time as Venom, the necessity for more was done away with by establishing Eddie as being completely insane. The guy is obviously lost in his own warped reality, and that’s not sarcasm on my part. He had coffee with Gwen Stacy once and immediately acts as though they’re a serious couple. He consciously commits a massive act of fraud and doesn’t get why he should be fired for it. Back to Gwen Stacy for a moment, he sees her on a date with Parker (the only one they go on and that ends horribly) and he thinks Parker stole her from him. It was perfect.
Sadly those are the only high notes in the movie aside from J.K. Simmons stealing every scene he’s in for the third time running. Sure the Sandman looked cool, but did he really have to be such an overly sympathetic character? And did you know that his first appearance in the comics was showing up at Peter’s high school and demanding he be given a high school diploma? Yes I am being incredibly serious. Ah the innocence of the 60’s. Plus using him to drastically change Spider-Man’s origin was just lame. I get how what they did didn’t completely change things, but there was no reason for it other than to make Peter mad.
I honestly believe a lot of story elements would be forgivable if it wasn’t just all rehashing what’s already been told in the first two movies. This entire movie is another chapter to Spider-Man’s origin story so no matter how cool the action scenes are, the story went no where. It was just another tale of, “Why is Peter, Spider-Man?” and trying to balance his personal life with his responsibilities. And it was hammered into our heads, too, unlike the first two movies that just flowed. Peter even flat out says, “We always have a choice.” Additionally it ended the same way as the first two; Mary Jane gets kidnapped by the villain, Spider-Man has to save her and gets a severe beat down in the process. This all goes to disprove the old adage of, “Third time’s a charm.”
A saving grace for Sam and Ivan Raimi (who wrote the movie) is how much pressure they were under from producers to keep throwing in more and more characters and story lines from the comics, primarily Gwen Stacy and Eddie Brock. One producer went as far as to talk out of her ass about how the fans wanted to see Gwen. Yeah we did, in the first movie before the introduction of Mary Jane just like she was in the comics. I have absolutely no problem with them starting with Mary Jane, skipping over Gwen completely, but to claim that the fans want the story to go backwards? Plus, her character is completely wasted here versus what she meant in the comics (read Spider-Man: Blue by Jeph Loeb).
Obviously compared to the previous movies this one falls short. To give a colorful analogy it’s like the three movies were in a long jump contest together. 1 and 2 landed at the same distance, breaking a world record, but when 3’s turn came up, it forgot to jump, running straight into the sand, tripping, and falling onto its face.
Marvel Movie Score: 4.5
Why That?: The fight scenes are awesome, I love the looks of all the characters, yes even Harry’s “New Goblin” outfit. And clearly it had potential, who knows what would’ve happened if there was a different writing team and producers had backed off as they did for Spider-Man 2. In the end, it was barely decent.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Ghost Rider (2007)
Michael Steven Johnson’s sophomore Marvel movie attempt stars Hollywood middleweight, but comic fan psychotic middleweight, Nicholas Cage as one of the most visually enticing comic character, Ghost Rider. Seriously, it’s a guy with a skull absolutely engulfed in flames, a motor cycle with flaming wheels, and he fights with a flaming chain. Just thinking about it paralyses me from awesome, so how could this go wrong?
While not a terrible movie, Ghost Rider ends up falling short on a lot of points. The one thing they did a fantastic job with is the origin, showing young Johnny Blaze, who lives with his father in a circus, selling his soul to the Devil (Mephisto, actually just a demon of a hell like dimension in the comics) to save his father from cancer, only to loose his father to a motorcycle stunt accident. The one thing they actually did better here than in the comics is they made Roxanne, the love interest, the daughter of another circus family, where in the comics Johnny is raised by Roxanne’s family after his father dies and his mother leaves, thereby giving him and Roxanne a weird brother/sister type relationship.
Years go by and Johnny becomes an Evel Knievel level stunt rider, selling out stadiums just to watch a single stunt. Yes I typed that with a straight face, but you go ahead and get your giggles out. Anyways in all that time Mephisto never came to collect, but now suddenly the moment Roxanne comes back into Johnny’s life, Mephisto’s “son,” Blackheart, decides to try and usurp daddy’s throne by taking power of a thousand corrupt souls that have been hidden since the Civil War. Also at this point it becomes confusing as to whether or not they’re trying to be an action movie or a horror movie as Blackheart is introduced walking through a barren wasteland with sudden single frame flashes of his eyes glowing red along with a quick loud noise to make people jump in their seats.
So now Mephisto comes to collect, transforming Johnny into the Ghost Rider in order to hunt down the hidden souls, or rather the scroll/contract with all of their signatures, and stop Blackheart. Blackheart sensing the awakening of the Ghost Rider recruits the aid of three elemental demons of Earth, Air and Water (sorry, not fire or heart). And here’s where things start to fall apart like a Jenga tower after five hours of drinking, but at the same time go a direction few super hero movies of this sort have.
First the good. While not happy with his new situation, Johnny doesn’t become self loathing and despondent about his new powers, instead he tries to learn, understand and control them so much so that he can access elements of them while in his human form. Kudos for that.
Now the bad. Ghost Rider stomps through all three demons without any problem. They attack him one at a time every night for three nights, and the most trouble he has is figuring out how to kill a guy made of wind, a problem that he solves in less than a minute. Until the last fight with Blackheart there is actually no real challenge for him, and even that’s mostly because they’re fighting during the day so Johnny can’t fully transform unless he’s in the shade.
Other shortcomings are Sam Elliot’s character as the Caretaker, who’s literally a caretaker of a cemetery and turns out to be [drum role] the previous Ghost Rider who was also a cowboy making this Sam Elliot’s *1,000 time playing a cowboy. (*this number is in no way accurate and is used for joke purposes only. A fact though is that Sam Elliot is awesome) The shortcoming actually comes at the end when the Caretaker transforms into his Ghost Rider form, complete with horse that leaves a fire trail like the Fire Mares in Krull, for one final ride to lead Johnny to Blackheart. After leading Johnny to a church, he turns back into his human form and rides off, presumably fading and going to heaven (or hell, I’m not sure as that whole thing is very vague). He doesn’t stay to help and fight or anything. Lame.
Then there’s Ghost Rider in general. It feels like their hands were really tied with budgeting the special effects because he really has no personality. He just kind of shows up, rides around, fights for a couple seconds then transforms back into Johnny. While I can only imagine how hard it is to inject personality into a skull that can’t really express emotion, the producers should have considered that before green lighting the project.
And lastly, the end just doesn’t make any sense what so ever. Blackheart is defeated but the souls are basically unaccounted for. Technically they should still be out and about in the world but no one seems to think that that’s a bad thing. Also Mephisto shows up to congratulate Johnny on a job well done, blah blah blah, you’ll serve me well in the future, blah blah standard set up to Johnny saying basically, I’m going to use these powers to fight you from now on. So why doesn’t Mephisto just take them back?
Extended Cut Note: It exists, but I haven’t seen it, nor do I know anyone who has. However it only has 9 extra minutes so I can’t imagine it being any better.
Marvel Movie Score: 4.5
Why That?: I could watch it again. The problems don’t hammer you over the head that much, the acting is good, and all in all it’s descent. However I believe this movie shows that Mark Steven Johnson should stick to directing. As much as I respect movies that are written and directed by the same person, his writing is still pretty weak while the visuals are very sharp and perfect for what he’s trying to do. Also for those of you who enjoy crazy like I do, rent this and watch the special features for a new found appreciation for Cage’s insanity.
While not a terrible movie, Ghost Rider ends up falling short on a lot of points. The one thing they did a fantastic job with is the origin, showing young Johnny Blaze, who lives with his father in a circus, selling his soul to the Devil (Mephisto, actually just a demon of a hell like dimension in the comics) to save his father from cancer, only to loose his father to a motorcycle stunt accident. The one thing they actually did better here than in the comics is they made Roxanne, the love interest, the daughter of another circus family, where in the comics Johnny is raised by Roxanne’s family after his father dies and his mother leaves, thereby giving him and Roxanne a weird brother/sister type relationship.
Years go by and Johnny becomes an Evel Knievel level stunt rider, selling out stadiums just to watch a single stunt. Yes I typed that with a straight face, but you go ahead and get your giggles out. Anyways in all that time Mephisto never came to collect, but now suddenly the moment Roxanne comes back into Johnny’s life, Mephisto’s “son,” Blackheart, decides to try and usurp daddy’s throne by taking power of a thousand corrupt souls that have been hidden since the Civil War. Also at this point it becomes confusing as to whether or not they’re trying to be an action movie or a horror movie as Blackheart is introduced walking through a barren wasteland with sudden single frame flashes of his eyes glowing red along with a quick loud noise to make people jump in their seats.
So now Mephisto comes to collect, transforming Johnny into the Ghost Rider in order to hunt down the hidden souls, or rather the scroll/contract with all of their signatures, and stop Blackheart. Blackheart sensing the awakening of the Ghost Rider recruits the aid of three elemental demons of Earth, Air and Water (sorry, not fire or heart). And here’s where things start to fall apart like a Jenga tower after five hours of drinking, but at the same time go a direction few super hero movies of this sort have.
First the good. While not happy with his new situation, Johnny doesn’t become self loathing and despondent about his new powers, instead he tries to learn, understand and control them so much so that he can access elements of them while in his human form. Kudos for that.
Now the bad. Ghost Rider stomps through all three demons without any problem. They attack him one at a time every night for three nights, and the most trouble he has is figuring out how to kill a guy made of wind, a problem that he solves in less than a minute. Until the last fight with Blackheart there is actually no real challenge for him, and even that’s mostly because they’re fighting during the day so Johnny can’t fully transform unless he’s in the shade.
Other shortcomings are Sam Elliot’s character as the Caretaker, who’s literally a caretaker of a cemetery and turns out to be [drum role] the previous Ghost Rider who was also a cowboy making this Sam Elliot’s *1,000 time playing a cowboy. (*this number is in no way accurate and is used for joke purposes only. A fact though is that Sam Elliot is awesome) The shortcoming actually comes at the end when the Caretaker transforms into his Ghost Rider form, complete with horse that leaves a fire trail like the Fire Mares in Krull, for one final ride to lead Johnny to Blackheart. After leading Johnny to a church, he turns back into his human form and rides off, presumably fading and going to heaven (or hell, I’m not sure as that whole thing is very vague). He doesn’t stay to help and fight or anything. Lame.
Then there’s Ghost Rider in general. It feels like their hands were really tied with budgeting the special effects because he really has no personality. He just kind of shows up, rides around, fights for a couple seconds then transforms back into Johnny. While I can only imagine how hard it is to inject personality into a skull that can’t really express emotion, the producers should have considered that before green lighting the project.
And lastly, the end just doesn’t make any sense what so ever. Blackheart is defeated but the souls are basically unaccounted for. Technically they should still be out and about in the world but no one seems to think that that’s a bad thing. Also Mephisto shows up to congratulate Johnny on a job well done, blah blah blah, you’ll serve me well in the future, blah blah standard set up to Johnny saying basically, I’m going to use these powers to fight you from now on. So why doesn’t Mephisto just take them back?
Extended Cut Note: It exists, but I haven’t seen it, nor do I know anyone who has. However it only has 9 extra minutes so I can’t imagine it being any better.
Marvel Movie Score: 4.5
Why That?: I could watch it again. The problems don’t hammer you over the head that much, the acting is good, and all in all it’s descent. However I believe this movie shows that Mark Steven Johnson should stick to directing. As much as I respect movies that are written and directed by the same person, his writing is still pretty weak while the visuals are very sharp and perfect for what he’s trying to do. Also for those of you who enjoy crazy like I do, rent this and watch the special features for a new found appreciation for Cage’s insanity.
Monday, April 28, 2008
X-Men: The Last Stand (2006)
X-Men 3 is an exercise in incompetence and was so before filming even started. Originally Brian Singer was going to hammer Superman out and immediately get back to Fox to do X-Men 3. Instead Fox turned into a 3 year old who doesn’t get their way and fired him, thereby giving Singer all the time in the world to ruin Superman. They then hired British director Matthew Vaughn, who had directed the fantastic gangster flick L4yer Cake. However Vaughn quickly left stating that he didn’t want to be away from his family, but this absolutely stunk as PR chafe. A little digging found that Fox was rushing production to try and get their movie out before Singer’s in yet another childish move. So their next move was to create the ultimate in Hollywood Yes-men team of Brett Rattner directing and Zak Penn writing.
Every success in X-Men 3 is also a failure. We finally get to see a Danger Room sequence that includes Sentinels, but all we see are their eyes glowing in the dark until Wolverine has Colossus throw him at a Sentinel where we hear claws striking metal and a large head comes crashing down with Wolverine still attached to the back of it. One scene, three failures: 1) as mentioned you never actually see a Sentinel. 2) Colossus throwing Wolverine is a classic X-Men thing called a Fastball Special, but the way they do it just looks utterly silly. 3) when the Sentinel head crashes down, Wolverine is very clearly not hanging on to it but then it slides to a stop and he suddenly walks out from behind it.
New characters are introduced on both sides. For the X-Men we get Hank McCoy, Beast (played by Kelsey Grammer), which is easily the one thing they got right in the movie, massive credit to Grammer for that. Then there’s Warren Worthington III, Angel, shown heavily in trailers, a very major character in the history of the X-Men, and terribly wasted here. They try to use him to tell a moral story but I’m not sure what that is. See his father is the primary financial backer for a new mutant cure and wants his son to be cured. His son doesn’t want to be cured so he flies from California to New York to seek shelter within the Xavier institute. Then he disappears until the end when he saves his dad from falling to his death. This actually leads to another MAJOR problem but I’ll get to that in a moment.
On Magneto’s side of this whole thing we’re first re-introduced to Pyro who’s now suddenly a psychopath. Then we meet a bunch of supporting mutant characters that exist just to make comic fans angry. There’s Calisto who in the comics only has heightened senses and is a strong fighter, now she can move really fast and has the incredibly plot convenient ability to locate mutants and know what their powers are. There’s Kid Omega and no one knows why he’s called that since all he can do is sprout spikes. Even later then we get to meet the Juggernaut, now apparently a mutant who’s back story has nothing to do with Charles Xavier where in the comics they are step-brothers and Juggernaut isn’t a mutant. And to close we also get Jamie Maddrox, the Multiple Man, who as one would imagine can create duplicates of himself and in the comics has never been a villain. He’s only used for one scene after this and it’s painfully plot convenient since Magneto met Maddrox by coincidence while freeing Juggernaut. To sum up, the amount of plot convenient powers in Magneto’s little army is ridiculous.
Getting back to the problem brought up at the end of Angel’s description, there are two primary locations in this movie; the X-Mansion located in upstate New York, and Magneto’s base camp located in San Francisco, California, yet somehow people regularly travel back and forth between the two in a matter of minutes. I can let a lot of things slide, but this is just flat out stupid. It’s so stupid I can’t even think of a witty joke about it. And the fact that it happens more than once is absolutely infuriating.
Another key plot point in this is the return of Jean Grey, now known as the Phoenix, an alternate personality her mind developed at a young age. I’m just going to skip over all of that stuff though since I really want to get to the heart of the matter; the final fight. The money shot. The one thing that should make every horrible thing in this movie worth sitting through. Instead it’s just a cluster fuck of nonsense. At this point Magneto has gained Phoenix as an ally and located the source of the cure, a young mutant he openly plans to kill. He’s being kept on Alcatraz so Magneto gathers his army of idiots onto the Golden Gate Bridge and breaks off a chunk of it to transport his army to the island, where he could have just as easily moved the chunk of the bridge with nobody on it, and dropped it on the building. Then he sends his army to fight the soldiers sporting plastic guns (so that Magneto can’t stop them) that shoot darts loaded with the cure, because they’re just pawns thereby showing that Magneto does care about mutant kind (that’s sarcasm, by the way), and when his army starts loosing he yells at Phoenix to do something, because apparently he didn’t actually have a plan for her other than to get her on his side. Oh and did I mention that Magneto wanted to stop the cure because he knew the government would make a weapon out of it, while the government wasn’t forcing the cure on anybody but did develop the guns that shoot the cure for the sole purpose of defending humans from aggressive mutants, specifically Magneto? I didn’t? Well there you go. The whole final attack by Magneto actually proved that he’s wrong and incompetent.
This movie completely feels like it was done by a different crew. The only thing linking it to the previous movies is where the story picks up. The things that didn’t make sense in the first two were things that dawned on you when you think about it, but in this everything is just falling apart immediately.
Marvel Movie Score: 3
Why That?: While I honestly believe that I can actually find more flaws in this movie than Blade Trinity (as usual I did not name nearly all of them here), it had just enough things to give it just one more point. I think it’s because it’s easier to watch and more fun to pick apart. Also of note is the revelation that Singer’s version was going to gently shift the focus away from Wolverine and bring it to Jean and Scott in the same way that the Phoenix Saga did. At least one good thing came out of X-Men 3, and that’s this image of Famke Janssen as Jean Grey that was put on the backer board of the Jean Grey action figure. Show me your “Oh” face next, Miss Janssen.
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Every success in X-Men 3 is also a failure. We finally get to see a Danger Room sequence that includes Sentinels, but all we see are their eyes glowing in the dark until Wolverine has Colossus throw him at a Sentinel where we hear claws striking metal and a large head comes crashing down with Wolverine still attached to the back of it. One scene, three failures: 1) as mentioned you never actually see a Sentinel. 2) Colossus throwing Wolverine is a classic X-Men thing called a Fastball Special, but the way they do it just looks utterly silly. 3) when the Sentinel head crashes down, Wolverine is very clearly not hanging on to it but then it slides to a stop and he suddenly walks out from behind it.
New characters are introduced on both sides. For the X-Men we get Hank McCoy, Beast (played by Kelsey Grammer), which is easily the one thing they got right in the movie, massive credit to Grammer for that. Then there’s Warren Worthington III, Angel, shown heavily in trailers, a very major character in the history of the X-Men, and terribly wasted here. They try to use him to tell a moral story but I’m not sure what that is. See his father is the primary financial backer for a new mutant cure and wants his son to be cured. His son doesn’t want to be cured so he flies from California to New York to seek shelter within the Xavier institute. Then he disappears until the end when he saves his dad from falling to his death. This actually leads to another MAJOR problem but I’ll get to that in a moment.
On Magneto’s side of this whole thing we’re first re-introduced to Pyro who’s now suddenly a psychopath. Then we meet a bunch of supporting mutant characters that exist just to make comic fans angry. There’s Calisto who in the comics only has heightened senses and is a strong fighter, now she can move really fast and has the incredibly plot convenient ability to locate mutants and know what their powers are. There’s Kid Omega and no one knows why he’s called that since all he can do is sprout spikes. Even later then we get to meet the Juggernaut, now apparently a mutant who’s back story has nothing to do with Charles Xavier where in the comics they are step-brothers and Juggernaut isn’t a mutant. And to close we also get Jamie Maddrox, the Multiple Man, who as one would imagine can create duplicates of himself and in the comics has never been a villain. He’s only used for one scene after this and it’s painfully plot convenient since Magneto met Maddrox by coincidence while freeing Juggernaut. To sum up, the amount of plot convenient powers in Magneto’s little army is ridiculous.
Getting back to the problem brought up at the end of Angel’s description, there are two primary locations in this movie; the X-Mansion located in upstate New York, and Magneto’s base camp located in San Francisco, California, yet somehow people regularly travel back and forth between the two in a matter of minutes. I can let a lot of things slide, but this is just flat out stupid. It’s so stupid I can’t even think of a witty joke about it. And the fact that it happens more than once is absolutely infuriating.
Another key plot point in this is the return of Jean Grey, now known as the Phoenix, an alternate personality her mind developed at a young age. I’m just going to skip over all of that stuff though since I really want to get to the heart of the matter; the final fight. The money shot. The one thing that should make every horrible thing in this movie worth sitting through. Instead it’s just a cluster fuck of nonsense. At this point Magneto has gained Phoenix as an ally and located the source of the cure, a young mutant he openly plans to kill. He’s being kept on Alcatraz so Magneto gathers his army of idiots onto the Golden Gate Bridge and breaks off a chunk of it to transport his army to the island, where he could have just as easily moved the chunk of the bridge with nobody on it, and dropped it on the building. Then he sends his army to fight the soldiers sporting plastic guns (so that Magneto can’t stop them) that shoot darts loaded with the cure, because they’re just pawns thereby showing that Magneto does care about mutant kind (that’s sarcasm, by the way), and when his army starts loosing he yells at Phoenix to do something, because apparently he didn’t actually have a plan for her other than to get her on his side. Oh and did I mention that Magneto wanted to stop the cure because he knew the government would make a weapon out of it, while the government wasn’t forcing the cure on anybody but did develop the guns that shoot the cure for the sole purpose of defending humans from aggressive mutants, specifically Magneto? I didn’t? Well there you go. The whole final attack by Magneto actually proved that he’s wrong and incompetent.
This movie completely feels like it was done by a different crew. The only thing linking it to the previous movies is where the story picks up. The things that didn’t make sense in the first two were things that dawned on you when you think about it, but in this everything is just falling apart immediately.
Marvel Movie Score: 3
Why That?: While I honestly believe that I can actually find more flaws in this movie than Blade Trinity (as usual I did not name nearly all of them here), it had just enough things to give it just one more point. I think it’s because it’s easier to watch and more fun to pick apart. Also of note is the revelation that Singer’s version was going to gently shift the focus away from Wolverine and bring it to Jean and Scott in the same way that the Phoenix Saga did. At least one good thing came out of X-Men 3, and that’s this image of Famke Janssen as Jean Grey that was put on the backer board of the Jean Grey action figure. Show me your “Oh” face next, Miss Janssen.
Monday, April 21, 2008
Fantastic Four (2005)
Another brief history lesson: In 1994 a studio got Director Roger Corman to film a Fantastic Four movie as fast as possible as they would have other wise lost the rights if they didn’t begin production by a certain date. Corman got it made in time and within budget, but it was never planned to actually see any form of official release. Which is good for him because even by Corman standards (seriously, read up on Roger Corman, his entire film career is incredibly interesting) this was a horrible movie that is honestly so painful I can’t sit through it beginning to end, which is saying a lot because I love bad movies and Mystery Science Theater 3000 (a show that featured many Corman movies).
So round two with the first family of comics shows us how to make a good, bad comic book movie.
The bad: Some little plot holes, missed opportunities, and HORRIBLE portrayal of one of the most loved villains in the Marvel Universe, dare I say of all comics even.
The good: Of all Marvel movies up ‘till now (and so far since) it’s the one that is the most fun. It’s not bogged down with unnecessary emotional storylines (see Spider-Man) or pseudo social commentary (see X-Men), it is just a damn fun movie.
Hands down every comic fan’s biggest complaint about the movie is the portrayal of Dr. Doom. In the comics he is unbearably arrogant (always refers to himself in the third person, made a deal with the devil only because he was so full of himself that he knew he’d be able to break the deal with no consequences), powerful, charismatic, brilliant, and answers to no one. Oh, and he’s not really a doctor as he never actually graduated. In the movie however he’s a quick talking, manipulative business man (and a bit of a scientist though this is only implied), head of Doom Industries, always looking for the best way to line his wallet even at the expense of others. Despite this I think Julian McMahon did a good job with what he was given.
However this all leads to a missed golden opportunity. In the comics whenever anything goes wrong, no matter how obvious it is as to whose fault it is, if something can be remotely linked to Reed Richards, Doom will indeed blame Richards. In the scene where the space station is hit by a cloud of cosmic radiation due to an unforeseen miscalculation by Reed, it would have been absolutely perfect if Doom had instead had the space station secretly moved prior to their arrival so that they wouldn’t have to wait so long for the storm. After which he would have still have blamed Richards.
As for the rest of the cast, kudos. Everyone did a fantastic (HAW!) job, even Jessica Alba, who was clearly cast just to bring in more fanboys. Ian Gruffudd seemed very natural as a genius still not sure of himself. Steeling the show however is a toss up to both Michael Chikalis as Ben Grimm, the Thing and Chris Evans as Johnny Storm, the Human Torch. The toss up is partially due to how well they play off each other and how perfectly it mirrors their comic counter parts, Johnny always antagonizing Ben, Ben lashing back, but the minute things become serious you can tell that they would fight to the death for each other.
A couple plot holes I feel MUST be addressed: The movie goes right from the cosmic storm hitting the station and knocking everyone out, to the crew being back on earth without even a hint as to how that happened (see Director’s Cut notes below). A quick rescue is a ridiculous idea, but it’s better than nothing. And then there’s Sue turning invisible and stripping on the bridge to get past a barricade. The idea is that somehow her being invisible will allow her, Reed, and Johnny to get passed the police, but all she does is turn invisible, strip (turn visible again so we can see her in her underwear, then turn invisible again), then she pushes through the crowd while Reed and Johnny clearly just sneak around the side of an ambulance.
But as a sign of just how fun this movie is, few people even noticed that there’s only one fight scene in the entire movie, and it’s at the very end. Sure there’s some action here and there, but nothing spectacular. That one fight scene at the end, though short, is very fun, starting with a couple minutes of the Thing and Dr. Doom just beating the tar out of each other and culminating with the Fantastic Four really working as a team.
Director’s Cut Note: If you have the option, see this version. There are three new scenes of note; the first showing what happened after the cloud crashed through the station and how they get back to earth, the second adding to the relationship development between Ben and Alicia so now instead of her showing up at the end as Ben’s girlfriend suddenly, we now know something of what happened between them, and a scene of Johnny coming to grips with himself and his immaturity.
Marvel Movie Score = 8
Why That?: The horrible treatment of Dr. Doom is unforgivable. Sure they did it this way to save on time, but this character deserves better. But in the end the movie just pulls it off somehow, unlike X-Men where all of its short comings are irritating to watch over and over, here they’re just easily ignored. Also aside from a couple of slightly questionable scenes this makes for a good family movie, leading to the sequel to be rated PG as they clearly have decided to make this franchise family friendly.
So round two with the first family of comics shows us how to make a good, bad comic book movie.
The bad: Some little plot holes, missed opportunities, and HORRIBLE portrayal of one of the most loved villains in the Marvel Universe, dare I say of all comics even.
The good: Of all Marvel movies up ‘till now (and so far since) it’s the one that is the most fun. It’s not bogged down with unnecessary emotional storylines (see Spider-Man) or pseudo social commentary (see X-Men), it is just a damn fun movie.
Hands down every comic fan’s biggest complaint about the movie is the portrayal of Dr. Doom. In the comics he is unbearably arrogant (always refers to himself in the third person, made a deal with the devil only because he was so full of himself that he knew he’d be able to break the deal with no consequences), powerful, charismatic, brilliant, and answers to no one. Oh, and he’s not really a doctor as he never actually graduated. In the movie however he’s a quick talking, manipulative business man (and a bit of a scientist though this is only implied), head of Doom Industries, always looking for the best way to line his wallet even at the expense of others. Despite this I think Julian McMahon did a good job with what he was given.
However this all leads to a missed golden opportunity. In the comics whenever anything goes wrong, no matter how obvious it is as to whose fault it is, if something can be remotely linked to Reed Richards, Doom will indeed blame Richards. In the scene where the space station is hit by a cloud of cosmic radiation due to an unforeseen miscalculation by Reed, it would have been absolutely perfect if Doom had instead had the space station secretly moved prior to their arrival so that they wouldn’t have to wait so long for the storm. After which he would have still have blamed Richards.
As for the rest of the cast, kudos. Everyone did a fantastic (HAW!) job, even Jessica Alba, who was clearly cast just to bring in more fanboys. Ian Gruffudd seemed very natural as a genius still not sure of himself. Steeling the show however is a toss up to both Michael Chikalis as Ben Grimm, the Thing and Chris Evans as Johnny Storm, the Human Torch. The toss up is partially due to how well they play off each other and how perfectly it mirrors their comic counter parts, Johnny always antagonizing Ben, Ben lashing back, but the minute things become serious you can tell that they would fight to the death for each other.
A couple plot holes I feel MUST be addressed: The movie goes right from the cosmic storm hitting the station and knocking everyone out, to the crew being back on earth without even a hint as to how that happened (see Director’s Cut notes below). A quick rescue is a ridiculous idea, but it’s better than nothing. And then there’s Sue turning invisible and stripping on the bridge to get past a barricade. The idea is that somehow her being invisible will allow her, Reed, and Johnny to get passed the police, but all she does is turn invisible, strip (turn visible again so we can see her in her underwear, then turn invisible again), then she pushes through the crowd while Reed and Johnny clearly just sneak around the side of an ambulance.
But as a sign of just how fun this movie is, few people even noticed that there’s only one fight scene in the entire movie, and it’s at the very end. Sure there’s some action here and there, but nothing spectacular. That one fight scene at the end, though short, is very fun, starting with a couple minutes of the Thing and Dr. Doom just beating the tar out of each other and culminating with the Fantastic Four really working as a team.
Director’s Cut Note: If you have the option, see this version. There are three new scenes of note; the first showing what happened after the cloud crashed through the station and how they get back to earth, the second adding to the relationship development between Ben and Alicia so now instead of her showing up at the end as Ben’s girlfriend suddenly, we now know something of what happened between them, and a scene of Johnny coming to grips with himself and his immaturity.
Marvel Movie Score = 8
Why That?: The horrible treatment of Dr. Doom is unforgivable. Sure they did it this way to save on time, but this character deserves better. But in the end the movie just pulls it off somehow, unlike X-Men where all of its short comings are irritating to watch over and over, here they’re just easily ignored. Also aside from a couple of slightly questionable scenes this makes for a good family movie, leading to the sequel to be rated PG as they clearly have decided to make this franchise family friendly.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Man-Thing (2005)
I contemplated whether or not to review Man-Thing for quite a while since it’s a) made for TV, and b) horrible. However when it first went into production, in fact while it was still being filmed, it was intended for theatrical release so I decided to go for it and just keep it short.
Another history lesson: Man-Thing and Swamp Thing were actually created by two roommates who started down the same path and then each put their own spin on a basic idea. They then amicably took their ideas to the two different big houses of comics, DC and Marvel, and sold them off.
When watching Man-Thing it’s hard to believe that it was ever intended for theatrical release as almost every aspect of it screams, “Made for TV.” While I’m sure they wouldn’t have advertised it as a Marvel film, since the character is fairly obscure, it still doesn’t really work as a horror movie. Most of the plethora of lame PG-13 horror movies to come out in the past few years, are scarier than this. However it does start exactly like one would expect a lame slasher flick to start; a couple of teens getting it on get slaughtered mysteriously. Here’s the lame thing about that, Man-Thing doesn’t just kill indiscriminately like that. In fact being part of nature you’d think he’d encourage one of the most natural instincts of all living creatures, but whatever.
Oddly though the story is taken from a Man-Thing comic story, where in a rich land developer is trying to buy up all the land of the swamp the Man-Thing protects, killing anyone who gets in his way. Unfortunately this story follows the new sheriff in town, you know, the one from the city who clashes with the locals and their set ways, and we don’t even really see Man-Thing until the end of the movie.
Marvel Movie Score = 0.5
Why That?: Mostly because it’s not as bad as Roger Corman’s Fantastic Four. In fact if it weren’t based on a Marvel Comic, it’d be a decent made for TV movie. Still a bad movie, but decent. Really the only thing this movie has going for it is in the beginning when the two teens are killed, the girl has a great rack. And considering I don’t give a rat’s ass about nudity in film, that’s saying something.
Another history lesson: Man-Thing and Swamp Thing were actually created by two roommates who started down the same path and then each put their own spin on a basic idea. They then amicably took their ideas to the two different big houses of comics, DC and Marvel, and sold them off.
When watching Man-Thing it’s hard to believe that it was ever intended for theatrical release as almost every aspect of it screams, “Made for TV.” While I’m sure they wouldn’t have advertised it as a Marvel film, since the character is fairly obscure, it still doesn’t really work as a horror movie. Most of the plethora of lame PG-13 horror movies to come out in the past few years, are scarier than this. However it does start exactly like one would expect a lame slasher flick to start; a couple of teens getting it on get slaughtered mysteriously. Here’s the lame thing about that, Man-Thing doesn’t just kill indiscriminately like that. In fact being part of nature you’d think he’d encourage one of the most natural instincts of all living creatures, but whatever.
Oddly though the story is taken from a Man-Thing comic story, where in a rich land developer is trying to buy up all the land of the swamp the Man-Thing protects, killing anyone who gets in his way. Unfortunately this story follows the new sheriff in town, you know, the one from the city who clashes with the locals and their set ways, and we don’t even really see Man-Thing until the end of the movie.
Marvel Movie Score = 0.5
Why That?: Mostly because it’s not as bad as Roger Corman’s Fantastic Four. In fact if it weren’t based on a Marvel Comic, it’d be a decent made for TV movie. Still a bad movie, but decent. Really the only thing this movie has going for it is in the beginning when the two teens are killed, the girl has a great rack. And considering I don’t give a rat’s ass about nudity in film, that’s saying something.
Saturday, April 12, 2008
Elektra (2005)
And so Mark Steven Johnson (writer/director of Daredevil) is out of this follow up to Daredevil, only to be replaced by Zak Penn, a name that now invokes tremendous rage inside of me. This is Zak’s first Marvel Movie as head writer (he helped a bit on X2). It’s sad because before this he wrote PCU, one of my favorite comedies, of course before that he worked on Last Action Hero, but I digress.
Now you don’t have to have seen Daredevil (to be called DD from here on) to understand what’s going on in Elektra, actually Elektra makes less sense if you have seen DD. In fact this movie feels like it was written without any consideration to Elektra’s already established character, where she was very strong willed but at the same time compassionate. Now she’s a killer with an obsessive compulsive disorder and a somewhat Spock like, emotionless speech pattern. Now this could have been explained easily by saying that her being brought back from the dead left her changed, but instead it’s just how she is. This is also a little odd because DD ends with Matt discovering a necklace left for him by Elektra to let him know that she’s alive, which to me is a sign that she’s still compassionate.
On its own merit Elektra can best be described as weak. It’s not horrible, but everything they try to do to make you either care about someone or to surprise you with some sort of twist just doesn’t work at all. In fact I actually rewatched this with my wife and a couple times she thought she missed something because the reveals had such little impact.
However they did do an excellent job of introducing us to the Hand, a centuries old order of evil mystical ninja (and yes, the Foot from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is a spin on the Hand). They also introduce Stick and the Chaste, the good version of the Hand. Stick is portrayed perfectly by Terrence “Kneel before, Zod,” Stamp, as the blind bad-ass leader of the Chaste. They even got his outfit spot on which gave me a much needed smile.
They do fall short on the portrayal of the Hand’s elite soldiers, trying a little too hard to give Elektra overwhelming odds to over come. A major disappointment comes in here as they really waste three characters. They have a large man named Stone who as you can guess is really strong and had solid skin. However this character is actually supposed to be a member of the Chaste. Now while that may seem like nitpicking, Stone was actually a significant character so this isn’t something that would go unnoticed. Then there’s Typhoid who was apparently supposed to be Typhoid Mary, a long standing villain in the Marvel Universe. However this Typhoid character has only one thing in common with the comic version; they’re both women. That is it which is tragic because Typhoid Mary is a really interesting character. And lastly there’s Kinkou who isn’t based on anyone, but all he does is get killed in one of those big reveal moments. Apparently he’s supposed to have incredible speed and agility through perfect balance, but they do absolutely nothing to show this and I had to learn that by looking it up online. There were two other elites but the leader was well developed and the other was a guy named Tattoo who had living tattoos and was used as perfectly as a character like that can be.
Also no thirteen year old is as annoying as the girl in this movie, and yes I have met a lot of thirteen year olds in the past years. The question then is, has Zak Penn? The breaking point for me is when Elektra is trying to teach her how to meditate and immediately all the girl does is fidget and wave her hands in front of Elektra’s closed eyes.
Director’s Cut note: I haven’t seen it but there is one out there. The reason being is I don’t know anyone who owns it and finding rental versions of Director’s Cuts is very uncommon but something tells me that this one is more like the Blade Trinity Extended Version than the Daredevil Director’s Cut.
Marvel Movie Score = 1.5
Why That?: Like I said it’s not a terrible movie, but through out the entire thing I just flat out don’t care about any of the characters or any of the plot points they tried to hammer into me. The fact that they seemed to ignore the character already developed in DD just took me out of the movie a bit as well. Plus the inclusion of the Chaste/Hand stuff in this movie just annoyed me that they weren’t used in DD instead, however this same stuff is the main reason to actually see this movie.
Now you don’t have to have seen Daredevil (to be called DD from here on) to understand what’s going on in Elektra, actually Elektra makes less sense if you have seen DD. In fact this movie feels like it was written without any consideration to Elektra’s already established character, where she was very strong willed but at the same time compassionate. Now she’s a killer with an obsessive compulsive disorder and a somewhat Spock like, emotionless speech pattern. Now this could have been explained easily by saying that her being brought back from the dead left her changed, but instead it’s just how she is. This is also a little odd because DD ends with Matt discovering a necklace left for him by Elektra to let him know that she’s alive, which to me is a sign that she’s still compassionate.
On its own merit Elektra can best be described as weak. It’s not horrible, but everything they try to do to make you either care about someone or to surprise you with some sort of twist just doesn’t work at all. In fact I actually rewatched this with my wife and a couple times she thought she missed something because the reveals had such little impact.
However they did do an excellent job of introducing us to the Hand, a centuries old order of evil mystical ninja (and yes, the Foot from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is a spin on the Hand). They also introduce Stick and the Chaste, the good version of the Hand. Stick is portrayed perfectly by Terrence “Kneel before, Zod,” Stamp, as the blind bad-ass leader of the Chaste. They even got his outfit spot on which gave me a much needed smile.
They do fall short on the portrayal of the Hand’s elite soldiers, trying a little too hard to give Elektra overwhelming odds to over come. A major disappointment comes in here as they really waste three characters. They have a large man named Stone who as you can guess is really strong and had solid skin. However this character is actually supposed to be a member of the Chaste. Now while that may seem like nitpicking, Stone was actually a significant character so this isn’t something that would go unnoticed. Then there’s Typhoid who was apparently supposed to be Typhoid Mary, a long standing villain in the Marvel Universe. However this Typhoid character has only one thing in common with the comic version; they’re both women. That is it which is tragic because Typhoid Mary is a really interesting character. And lastly there’s Kinkou who isn’t based on anyone, but all he does is get killed in one of those big reveal moments. Apparently he’s supposed to have incredible speed and agility through perfect balance, but they do absolutely nothing to show this and I had to learn that by looking it up online. There were two other elites but the leader was well developed and the other was a guy named Tattoo who had living tattoos and was used as perfectly as a character like that can be.
Also no thirteen year old is as annoying as the girl in this movie, and yes I have met a lot of thirteen year olds in the past years. The question then is, has Zak Penn? The breaking point for me is when Elektra is trying to teach her how to meditate and immediately all the girl does is fidget and wave her hands in front of Elektra’s closed eyes.
Director’s Cut note: I haven’t seen it but there is one out there. The reason being is I don’t know anyone who owns it and finding rental versions of Director’s Cuts is very uncommon but something tells me that this one is more like the Blade Trinity Extended Version than the Daredevil Director’s Cut.
Marvel Movie Score = 1.5
Why That?: Like I said it’s not a terrible movie, but through out the entire thing I just flat out don’t care about any of the characters or any of the plot points they tried to hammer into me. The fact that they seemed to ignore the character already developed in DD just took me out of the movie a bit as well. Plus the inclusion of the Chaste/Hand stuff in this movie just annoyed me that they weren’t used in DD instead, however this same stuff is the main reason to actually see this movie.
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
Blade Trinity (2004)
And so the Blade series brings us another first for Marvel movies; the first trilogy entry. Oh yeah, it was also the first trilogy entry to suck horribly on levels that no analogy about sucking can do justice.
Blade Trinity marks David Goyer’s second writer/director film, but it’s his first big budget theatrical one (the first was direct to video, Zig Zag, starting Blade’s Wesley Snipes) and feels like something I would have wrote in high school, and yes I just insulted myself. It has dozens of really unnecessary plot devices and characters, and above all it has my deep hatred for the “what you know about vampires (in this case Dracula specifically) is wrong” plot device, which is a shame because Drake, which is apparently Dracula’s real name, is played by Dominic Purcell who is a fantastic actor.
Also there’s a good amount of unnecessary swearing, a good portion of which just doesn’t make sense. Here’s an example for you, this conversation takes place as HHH (yes the wrestler) introduces a captured Hannibal King (Ryan Reynolds) to his genetically altered vampire dog:
Hannibal King: Well, that depends who you ask. Because clearly, this dog has a bigger dick than you.
Jarko Grimwood: And when the fuck did you see my dick, fuck-face?
Seriously, no one talks like that, anywhere.
This movie feels like Goyer filled the script with a bunch of ideas that sounded cool to him but no one stopped and said, “David, you know a lot of this really doesn’t make any sense at all.” Here’s a list of such things, created as I realized that my first attempt at this review was getting REALLY long because of all the horrible things I wanted to address:
- The opening line of the movie is this - Hannibal King: In the movies, Dracula wears a cape, and some old English guy always manages to save the day at the last minute with crosses and holy water. But everybody knows the movies are full of shit. The truth is, it started with Blade, and it ended with him. The rest of us were just along for the ride.
Yes it sounds cool, sort of, but it doesn’t make sense.
- Cool equipment like high power hand guns with video cameras in them (and mini DVD burner), bullets with electrical components, and something that looks like a bow but has a high concentrated UV light instead of a string, used to slice up vampires. This UV light is, and I quote directly, “half as hot as the sun.”
- A pissed Abigail (Jessica Biel) readies herself for the final assault by target practicing with her bow and arrow, firing through something that reads speed and power of each arrow. Somehow while using a compound bow, which has a limit on how far back you can pull the string, the speed and force of impact goes up with every shot.
- The Nightstalkers have a biochemist who’s a single mother and blind. This is clearly done to try and make us care about the character, and fails miserably because she has maybe 5 minutes of screen time. However she is played by the bat-shit crazy Natasha Leone; check out the special features on the DVD where she talks about doing research for this role by spending time at a school for the blind even though her character being blind is pretty damn inconsequential plus unrealistic.
- Use silver in a gas form to rescue Hannibal King (it’s pumped into the room he’s being kept in). More specifically it's colloidal silver, which within two seconds of research I discovered is very bad for a human to inhale.
- Abigail likes to listen to her iPod while fighting, with ear buds and all, which would make it ridiculously easy for a vampire to sneak up on her.
I literally could go on and on for several pages, but I think I’ve made my point.
Honestly the only thing that makes this movie remotely tolerable is Ryan Reynolds. While Jessica Biel isn’t terrible, her role is just too bland and not developed enough.
Unrated Version Note: There is honestly nothing worth watching in the unrated version. All of it belonged on the cutting room floor, what incredibly little there was that is.
Marvel Movie Score = 2
Why That?: I had to rewatch this movie since my first viewing was so forgettable, but the entire time my mind couldn’t help but pick every scene in the movie apart. So that 2 is all for Ryan Reynolds keeping me from turning the movie off and giving up.
Blade Trinity marks David Goyer’s second writer/director film, but it’s his first big budget theatrical one (the first was direct to video, Zig Zag, starting Blade’s Wesley Snipes) and feels like something I would have wrote in high school, and yes I just insulted myself. It has dozens of really unnecessary plot devices and characters, and above all it has my deep hatred for the “what you know about vampires (in this case Dracula specifically) is wrong” plot device, which is a shame because Drake, which is apparently Dracula’s real name, is played by Dominic Purcell who is a fantastic actor.
Also there’s a good amount of unnecessary swearing, a good portion of which just doesn’t make sense. Here’s an example for you, this conversation takes place as HHH (yes the wrestler) introduces a captured Hannibal King (Ryan Reynolds) to his genetically altered vampire dog:
Hannibal King: Well, that depends who you ask. Because clearly, this dog has a bigger dick than you.
Jarko Grimwood: And when the fuck did you see my dick, fuck-face?
Seriously, no one talks like that, anywhere.
This movie feels like Goyer filled the script with a bunch of ideas that sounded cool to him but no one stopped and said, “David, you know a lot of this really doesn’t make any sense at all.” Here’s a list of such things, created as I realized that my first attempt at this review was getting REALLY long because of all the horrible things I wanted to address:
- The opening line of the movie is this - Hannibal King: In the movies, Dracula wears a cape, and some old English guy always manages to save the day at the last minute with crosses and holy water. But everybody knows the movies are full of shit. The truth is, it started with Blade, and it ended with him. The rest of us were just along for the ride.
Yes it sounds cool, sort of, but it doesn’t make sense.
- Cool equipment like high power hand guns with video cameras in them (and mini DVD burner), bullets with electrical components, and something that looks like a bow but has a high concentrated UV light instead of a string, used to slice up vampires. This UV light is, and I quote directly, “half as hot as the sun.”
- A pissed Abigail (Jessica Biel) readies herself for the final assault by target practicing with her bow and arrow, firing through something that reads speed and power of each arrow. Somehow while using a compound bow, which has a limit on how far back you can pull the string, the speed and force of impact goes up with every shot.
- The Nightstalkers have a biochemist who’s a single mother and blind. This is clearly done to try and make us care about the character, and fails miserably because she has maybe 5 minutes of screen time. However she is played by the bat-shit crazy Natasha Leone; check out the special features on the DVD where she talks about doing research for this role by spending time at a school for the blind even though her character being blind is pretty damn inconsequential plus unrealistic.
- Use silver in a gas form to rescue Hannibal King (it’s pumped into the room he’s being kept in). More specifically it's colloidal silver, which within two seconds of research I discovered is very bad for a human to inhale.
- Abigail likes to listen to her iPod while fighting, with ear buds and all, which would make it ridiculously easy for a vampire to sneak up on her.
I literally could go on and on for several pages, but I think I’ve made my point.
Honestly the only thing that makes this movie remotely tolerable is Ryan Reynolds. While Jessica Biel isn’t terrible, her role is just too bland and not developed enough.
Unrated Version Note: There is honestly nothing worth watching in the unrated version. All of it belonged on the cutting room floor, what incredibly little there was that is.
Marvel Movie Score = 2
Why That?: I had to rewatch this movie since my first viewing was so forgettable, but the entire time my mind couldn’t help but pick every scene in the movie apart. So that 2 is all for Ryan Reynolds keeping me from turning the movie off and giving up.
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