Transformers: Because “Humans Who Happen to Meet Robots” doesn’t have the same ring to it

A few years ago the nerd community exploded in joy at the announcement that one of the quintessential properties of our childhood was finally being made into a live action movie. Then the joy continued with the announcement that not only did Dreamworks get the rights to it, but that Steven Spielberg himself would be producing along with Tom DeSanto. And then it was announced that Michael Bay would be directing, and the nerd community let out a collective “FUCK, we were so close.”

So I finally watched Transformers a couple nights ago, and again more evidence arises to prove that I can indeed read certain movies really well without actually seeing them. Now I did go into it trying to keep an open mind, watching it as both a Transformers fan (Notice the name; Colossus Prime) and as a casual viewer who’s never heard of Transformers. But it was to no avail as I was just terribly disappointed from two points of view.

One advantage I had about watching it on DVD instead of seeing it in theaters was that I was able to make this distinct observation: It was one hour into the two+ hour movie until we had a name for any Transformer. Before that the movie had a few fight scenes, all containing humans being attacked by Evil Giant Robot #1 and #2. And RIGHT before the hour mark we had the chance to finally see some robot on robot fighting when Evil Giant Robot #3 tries to run down our leading male (I’ll admit though, Shia LaBeouf did a great job) and Bumblebee comes to the rescue, tackling EGR#3 off a bridge and that’s the last we see of the fight while Mini Robot who can’t stop making little noises that no one seems to be able to hear when he’s sneaking around, is chasing down LaBeouf and his girl-friend-to-be. So as a casual viewer I was an hour into a movie about humans who interacted with a couple of generic giant robots (15 minutes of that being actual interaction) and as a Transformers fan I was an hour into a movie about HUMANS instead of kick-@$$ Giant Robots!!!

I could seriously go on and on for several pages stating only the problems that are signs of mass incompetence and skipping over any nitpicking which there’s even more of (seriously, how hard is it to stop and fact check things like what the deepest part of the ocean is), so here’s a quick breakdown of some that just piss me off to no end:

- Was it really necessary to make the Transformers keep spinning and rolling around all the f’ing time? It doesn’t look cool, it looks femmy.

- Apparently Transformers can change their mind about what they want to look like whenever they want. Bumblebee upgrades himself and the little guy changes from a boom box to a cell phone, both in an instant.

- A scorpion looking Decepticon is being blasted hard core by an air strike, yet for some reason doesn’t retreat into the sand until the SECOND air strike hits him. Then he never reappears. “What,” “the,” and “Fuck”!?

- There’s a clear reason why Cybertron fell to the Decepticons; Autobots are about as smart as an inbred child who’s family tree is a straight line, as proven by the 10 minute shtick of them “hiding” outside the Witwicky residence.

- I counted 6 zoom in to someone saying a one or two word expression of fear and disbelief. No movie should have more than 2 unless it’s titled Zooming in on People Saying a One or Two Word Expression of Fear and Disbelief.

- There was pretty much zero character development for any of the Transformers except Bumblebee, and that’s only because he was in more of the movie than anyone else, and even then we just know he’s a scrappy do gooder since he can’t talk. Other than that we know Optimus Prime is a caring leader, Iron Hide is a stupid gun nut who wants to shoot everything (and I don’t mean gun nuts are stupid, the guy used any excuse to ask if it was ok for him to shoot something), Jazz speaks like a white poser (I swear to God, his first words are “What’s crackin’ little bitches?”), and Ratchet has no tact. Decepticons… man… Megatron was the only one with any development and as a Transformers fan I can tell you that it wasn’t Megatron, it was Galvatron. Just trust me, it makes sense.

- Was Bumblebee “lubricating” on John Turturro really necessary? This is a PG-13 movie and no one 13 or over should find that funny. I’m actually shocked that they got away with showing Bumblebee flipping open a hatch in his crotch to spray the lubricant.

- Megatron owns Optimus, it wasn’t even close. What the heck is up with that? The only reason Optimus should loose to Megatron is that Megatron fights dirty. Here though, fair fight and Optimus doesn’t stand a chance.

- The only thing great about the movie was getting Peter Cullen to voice Optimus Prime (but at the same time they loose points for skipping over Frank Welker for Megatron). And ok, the scene where Prime dispatches a Decepticon by cutting off his head was bad-ass!

Seriously, that’s me holding back. From a fan perspective it was outright stupid and lazy, from a non-fan’s it was just lame. But there is hope, a few positive reviews I’ve read from fans have the same feeling that the positive reviews for Star Wars Ep1 had. Where they seemed like they knew it was terrible but just hadn’t realized it yet, and then when it came out to rent and people started talking more and more about the flaws, they suddenly realized, “Wait a minute, that movies was crap!”

This is one of those movies that I think everyone should see at least once just to build up more anger and less tolerance for horrible, HUGE blockbuster movies. Especially ones that ruin already great stories.