Blade Trinity (2004)

And so the Blade series brings us another first for Marvel movies; the first trilogy entry. Oh yeah, it was also the first trilogy entry to suck horribly on levels that no analogy about sucking can do justice.

Blade Trinity marks David Goyer’s second writer/director film, but it’s his first big budget theatrical one (the first was direct to video, Zig Zag, starting Blade’s Wesley Snipes) and feels like something I would have wrote in high school, and yes I just insulted myself. It has dozens of really unnecessary plot devices and characters, and above all it has my deep hatred for the “what you know about vampires (in this case Dracula specifically) is wrong” plot device, which is a shame because Drake, which is apparently Dracula’s real name, is played by Dominic Purcell who is a fantastic actor.

Also there’s a good amount of unnecessary swearing, a good portion of which just doesn’t make sense. Here’s an example for you, this conversation takes place as HHH (yes the wrestler) introduces a captured Hannibal King (Ryan Reynolds) to his genetically altered vampire dog:

Hannibal King: Well, that depends who you ask. Because clearly, this dog has a bigger dick than you.
Jarko Grimwood: And when the fuck did you see my dick, fuck-face?

Seriously, no one talks like that, anywhere.

This movie feels like Goyer filled the script with a bunch of ideas that sounded cool to him but no one stopped and said, “David, you know a lot of this really doesn’t make any sense at all.” Here’s a list of such things, created as I realized that my first attempt at this review was getting REALLY long because of all the horrible things I wanted to address:

- The opening line of the movie is this - Hannibal King: In the movies, Dracula wears a cape, and some old English guy always manages to save the day at the last minute with crosses and holy water. But everybody knows the movies are full of shit. The truth is, it started with Blade, and it ended with him. The rest of us were just along for the ride.
Yes it sounds cool, sort of, but it doesn’t make sense.

- Cool equipment like high power hand guns with video cameras in them (and mini DVD burner), bullets with electrical components, and something that looks like a bow but has a high concentrated UV light instead of a string, used to slice up vampires. This UV light is, and I quote directly, “half as hot as the sun.”

- A pissed Abigail (Jessica Biel) readies herself for the final assault by target practicing with her bow and arrow, firing through something that reads speed and power of each arrow. Somehow while using a compound bow, which has a limit on how far back you can pull the string, the speed and force of impact goes up with every shot.

- The Nightstalkers have a biochemist who’s a single mother and blind. This is clearly done to try and make us care about the character, and fails miserably because she has maybe 5 minutes of screen time. However she is played by the bat-shit crazy Natasha Leone; check out the special features on the DVD where she talks about doing research for this role by spending time at a school for the blind even though her character being blind is pretty damn inconsequential plus unrealistic.

- Use silver in a gas form to rescue Hannibal King (it’s pumped into the room he’s being kept in). More specifically it's colloidal silver, which within two seconds of research I discovered is very bad for a human to inhale.

- Abigail likes to listen to her iPod while fighting, with ear buds and all, which would make it ridiculously easy for a vampire to sneak up on her.

I literally could go on and on for several pages, but I think I’ve made my point.

Honestly the only thing that makes this movie remotely tolerable is Ryan Reynolds. While Jessica Biel isn’t terrible, her role is just too bland and not developed enough.

Unrated Version Note: There is honestly nothing worth watching in the unrated version. All of it belonged on the cutting room floor, what incredibly little there was that is.

Marvel Movie Score = 2

Why That?: I had to rewatch this movie since my first viewing was so forgettable, but the entire time my mind couldn’t help but pick every scene in the movie apart. So that 2 is all for Ryan Reynolds keeping me from turning the movie off and giving up.